Born to be yours
by Judith Mann
Summary: She's dead. He can scarcely believe it. And as he tries to pick up the broken pieces of himself, Kaidan reminisces about all the reasons he fell in love with her to begin with. He tries to move on. Except she's not really gone... [T for language] COMPLETE!
1. Chapter 1

He fell in love with her because of details. Small, insignificant things that made her just the way she was, the individual person he couldn't get out of his head anymore. From the slight crush he had first developed when he met her on the SR-1 Normandy to the love he still hadn't confessed when she didn't step out of that escape pod with her pilot, he had learned all of those details that made her _her_.

They were the ones that kept him sane after she died. His sanity was really hanging on by a thread during these two years, and remembering these details kept him alive. He liked that he was the only one who knew that side of her, the side of her that wasn't Commander Shepard, but the woman inside. No one knew that she snored when she slept on her back – and kept pretending she didn't. No one knew about the secret shampoo she used because she hated the smell of the Alliance issued one. No one knew she painted her toenails because she didn't like her feet.

-I hate them, she had confessed the day he had found out about it. Not that I like other people's feet either. I'm not a feet person, I guess.

Red, pink, blue – the color didn't matter, and he liked that every time they managed to slip away and get some alone time, he would find out about the color she was currently wearing.

It had been blue that morning, that freaking, wretched morning he had lost her.

-Navy blue! She had rejoiced. Get it?

No one knew about these terrible jokes either, but maybe it was all for the better.

* * *

The nightmares started shortly after she was spaced and lasted for weeks, months even. In the beginning, he saw the scene replay in his head. He could still hear the alarm, feel under his feet the Normandy's desperate manoeuvers as Joker tried to escape the Collectors' ship.

-What's going on? He had yelled at Shepard, grabbing her by the arm.

-We're under attack. Unknown ship firing at us.

-No shit!

Her calm had unnerved him. Couldn't she see the Normandy was going up in flames?

-We can't wait for help, Kaidan. I need you to get everyone to the escape pods. Joker's still up there; I'm gonna go get him.

-You _what_? Liz, I'm not leaving!

-God dammit, that's an order, Lieutenant!

He'd cringed. He always hated when she pulled rank on him, not that it happened often.

-Go, she'd pleaded. I'll be right behind you.

But she had not been. She had not been. Still, he had done his job, believing she would be there when he would finally leave the shuttle. That hadn't happened. And now, in his nightmares, he saw again how the escape pods had opened one by one, and every time she wasn't there. Finally, Joker had emerged from the last one, and Kaidan had raced to help him out before turning to the pod, hand already extended, ready to grab hers and pull her into his arms. Except of course the pod was empty, and a little part of him had died.

A few weeks in, Ashley joined Shepard in his nightmares. Now he was dreaming about them both, standing in the CIC of the SR-1, the ship burning right before his eyes. The woman who had died in his place on Virmire and the one he had not been able to save. They just stood there, silent, looking right at him, and he watched them burn in the flames of his former ship. He wanted to apologize to them, tell them how sorry he was, tell them about the regrets he had over them both, but he could never speak. Choking on the words, he was forced to watch them and their ship burn before he jerked awake, breathless like he'd been running for hours.

Of course, the Alliance grounded him for a while. He had to see a damn shrink every week but usually chose to say silent and not to answer her questions. She always said stupid sentences sounding like freaking mantras, such as "Guilt is a normal feeling" or "Grief is a process, Lieutenant". He hated her, and these platitudes drove him _fucking crazy_. He couldn't even tell her the truth. He had loved his commanding officer against every rule, every Alliance regulation, every bloody protocol, and to admit it out loud would have been taking a chance on his career. At this point, his work was the only thing holding him together, keeping him alive and driving him forward. He couldn't risk it.

And then… They held her funeral.

It was a joke of a service, really. Military honors, of course, but an empty coffin put in the ground far away from the place she used to call home. No body was recovered, obviously, and so they lined up in front of that empty casket and her Alliance official picture. He hated that picture, too. It showed nothing of the woman he loved. She simply stared at the photographer. It had nothing of her warmth, her smile, her terrible humor and her secret nail polish.

-I'm sorry, LT.

The voice came from behind his back, and he turned to face the Turian. Garrus had been Shepard's best friend, but her death had ripped her team apart, both literally and figuratively –that strange crew of humans and aliens thrown together by fate. No, scratch that: by _her_. She was the one holding them together, making them feel as if they truly belonged together, as though they were family. She had turned them into comrades despite every reason they had not to like each other.

-Thanks, Garrus.

The talons the Turian put on his shoulder couldn't comfort him, but still. At least, they were there. It was something, much more than the Alliance had deigned to give him. Garrus, as Shepard's friend, as a part of that family they used to be, knew about them. And so he stood by his side during that whole farce of a funeral. He wasn't the only one here, though. Some were not, such as Tali, sent back to her flotilla and held on the other side of the galaxy; or Liara, who had always been so close to Shepard but had apparently better things to do now, even as they mourned their Commander. But most of them were. The doc, who kept throwing him worried glances; Joker, who seemed to run on anger – and probably alcohol – to try and forget he felt responsible for her death; Anderson, who looked like he had just lost his own daughter.

-I need a fucking drink, Garrus mumbled.

Kaidan nodded. He agreed. A drink might numb the pain away. The _loss_. He couldn't stand feeling so _empty_ all the time, all day long. Also, it might help him sleep through the nightmares. Right now, he wanted to drink his brains out, until he passed out on his bathroom's tiles.

 _Pick yourself up, dammit. You're a bloody mess, K. That's not the man I knew, the man I loved._

 _Oh, shut up, Lizzie. Shut the fuck up. You're just a voice in my head. You're freaking dead. The man you loved? Hell, you never told me you loved me, I never told you I loved you either, and now you're fucking gone. It's all over anyway._

The following morning, he woke up with a terrible headache. As a biotic, he was used to migraines, but this one was pounding in his head for other reasons, and he regretted every shot from the night before. He threw up in the bathroom and stayed curled up by the toilet for what seemed like a whole hour before he could find the strength to stand and go to work. Work. Why could he not hate work? Everything would be easier if he could just leave. He might go back to Earth, to Vancouver. But what would he do there? His parents' orchard wouldn't fill the void he felt in his heart.

And so he just kept going.

* * *

Days passed. At long last, the Alliance decided it was time to send him back into space, and he threw himself into it. Although it didn't help him forget, nor did it shush Shepard's and Ashley's nightly accusations, it filled his days enough that he felt like he still had a purpose. It wasn't much, but it was something, exactly like Garrus' talons on his shoulder had been.

It might be why he didn't hear about the rumors. Otherwise, he could _not_ have ignored them. They started as whispers but quickly grew into something more, and he _should_ have been aware of them. Yet he wasn't. So when he got his new orders, he rushed to get briefed without any idea about what awaited him, already focused on his mission. He entered the room and stopped at once. He snapped into a salute. What _on Earth_ was Anderson's doing here?

-Ah, Alenko, good to see you again.

He acted like he had just seen him on the Normandy a few days before, like they were still part of the same crew. It was friendly and informal – well, as much as it could be considering the gap between Anderson's rank and his own. But there was something fishy. As an Admiral, Anderson was _not_ supposed to brief him. He was fidgeting and trying to cover it as best it could, but it wasn't working. Kaidan crossed his arms.

-Is there something I should be aware of?

-Actually, there is. Please, take a seat.

Kaidan hesitated for a second but agreed to sit.

-Why are you briefing me, Sir?

Anderson sighed:

-Surely by now you must have heard…

-Excuse me?

The Admiral watched him carefully, trying to read him. It seemed to hit him then:

-No, no, you have not. You don't know.

-What don't I know, Sir?

Kaidan started to feel seriously worried. There was something in Anderson's eyes he did not like _at all_. It was scary as fuck. It was pain and commiseration, just like it had been at Shepard's "funeral".

-There is no easy way to say this, so I'll go straight to the point. We've had reports, Alenko. About… About her.

He let the words sink in, but Kaidan didn't react. Anderson watched him carefully.

-"Her"?

-Shepard.

Kaidan froze. What the hell?

-Is that supposed to be a joke? He said through gritted teeth.

If it was, it wasn't a good one. He felt like throwing his biotics at Anderson and refrained trashing the room in anger. Seriously, what the _fucking_ fuck?

-It's not. I know it must be… hard to hear. But the reports…

-She's dead, Kaidan barked. She's been dead for two years. And it still hurts as hell, Admiral, so I'd prefer…

Anderson did not let him finish:

-It's Cerberus.

-I don't understand.

-Look, I still don't know much. Scuttlebutt is…

 _Scuttlebutt? Did people really use that word?_

-Scuttlebutt _(yep, apparently they did)_ is that Shepard's working for Cerberus.

-That's impossible.

-I thought the same thing, but…

-Li… Shepard would never.

-I would have agreed with you, but our intel is quite reliable. I've been trying to reach out to her but still haven't heard from her at this point, so…

-You… what?

Anderson sighed again. He suddenly seemed way older than his years.

-Listen, Commander. Shepard may very well be alive. The thing is, she might be linked with Cerberus, and that brings me to the reason you're here. I'm sending you to one of our colonies: Horizon.

-I'm listening.

He still felt angry and was fairly certain he was shaking in his seat. Anderson glanced at him, hesitant.

-Have you heard about our colonies being hit lately?

-Yeah. I'm aware. Aren't we all?

-Well, it's even more serious than we've let on. Not only are our colonies under attack, but our colonists are disappearing.

-What do you mean?

-Actually, that's about all I know. They're not being killed. No bodies were found. They're just… Gone.

Was Anderson still talking about the colonists? The words sounded oddly familiar. _No body. No body was ever found. But Joker said there was an explosion. She was probably ripped to pieces._

-Are you still with me, Alenko?

-Yes, Sir.

The Admiral eyed him cautiously.

-You were talking about our colonies…

-Yes, yes. Well, we recently had a tip about a possible next target.

-Horizon?

-Precisely. We decided to fit the colony with GARDIAN turrets to help protect Horizon against any attack, but they haven't been able to calibrate them correctly. Tech is your area of expertise, Commander, and I'd like someone reliable heading over there. Which is why I'm sending _you_.

-Surely there must be…

-It's more than that. We suspect Cerberus might be behind these attacks.

-What? Why?

-We can't be certain. But you've had run-ins with them before, and you know the group. That's another reason why I chose you for this mission. And if Shepard really _is_ alive, and working with Cerberus…

-She's not. She's dead.

-Yeah, well… I just need you to investigate and report on anything you find on Cerberus. Take care of the turrets, too. We can't be too cautious.

That seemed to put an end to the briefing. Anderson handed him a file on a data-pad, then rose from his chair and extended his hand towards him. Kaidan shook it.

-You know… I should have said something before. Should have said something when we buried that damn empty coffin… And I know it's been two years, but… I'm deeply sorry, Alenko.

Kaidan raised one eyebrow. There were deep implications behind those words.

-You knew?

-Well… Yes. Yours was quite an open secret. And I cared about her, Commander, more than you know. Which is why I kept my mouth shut and turned a blind eye to whatever was going on… It didn't hurt anyone at the time, did it?

-"At the time", Sir?

-Don't let your feelings take over, Alenko.

It was an advice, but it sounded awfully like a threat.

 **[A/N : So... Yeah. At first, I meant for this to be a quick one-shot, but I guess the story got the best of me and it turned into a several chapters' fic. Don't know if I can pull it off, but I'll let you be the judge of that! Feel free to review, I'm basically like a kid in a candy store every time I get a review or someone puts my story in one's favorites. Kinda got hooked on that I guess - oopsie.**

 **Anyway, stick around! I'll be updating soon, as I already have the next couple of chapters written.]**


	2. Chapter 2

Horizon was a beautiful planet, and he might have liked the place if not for its inhabitants. Apparently, they did not hold Alliance soldiers dear to their heart, and Kaidan, as one of them, wasn't welcome. He took upon him to get over their dark stares, deciding it was not worth getting him worked up. He had a job to do, and as long as he was stationed on Horizon, he would do it, no matter what.

The mission didn't begin well, but it had nothing to do with that. The first morning he woke up on Horizon, he snapped awake from a new nightmare. He was used to it now, but this one was special. It still featured Ashley Williams and Elizabeth Shepard in the lead roles, but they weren't standing in the CIC like they usually did in his dreams. Instead, he found himself in the Normandy's mess. Garrus, Chawkas, and Ash were sitting at the table playing poker, as they often had back when they were on the ship together. In the dream, Kaidan wasn't playing, not this time, even though he had often played with them back then; he was simply standing a few meters away. Surprised at the new nightmare, he tried talking to them, even waved his hand in front of Ash's face, but it was like watching a movie unfold. His three former teammates kept playing, talking, drinking and laughing without a care in the world, without even noticing his presence. He got ready to turn and walk away, wanting to see if the rest of the ship was empty, if the rest of the crew was also oblivious to his presence. That's when the lift's doors opened, and Shepard appeared. At first, he thought she wouldn't notice him either, but she looked right at him and smiled.

-Liz?

-Hi, K.

-What…

-Thought I'd play a hand or two. I mean, still got a terrible poker face, but hell!

She sounded happy, but when he didn't answer, she narrowed her eyes at him.

-What's wrong?

-You can't be here, Liz.

Sadness suddenly fell over her:

-No, Kaidan, I'm afraid _you_ can't be here.

-What do you mean?

-I think you know exactly what I mean.

He shook his head, and Shepard pouted. God, he had missed that face! He wanted to reach and cup her cheek, feel her skin against his, but he couldn't raise his arm.

-I've got to go, she said.

-Please don't.

She put her hand on his forearm, but it didn't feel as warm as it used to. It felt empty and hollow, like she wasn't really here. _Most likely because she_ isn't.

-Let me go, K.

Did she mean now, or ever? Let her go – how could he? Even after two years, after all this time… She didn't wait for his answer and joined the others, sitting next to Garrus. The scene looked so familiar it ached.

-Lizzie! He called.

She raised her head to glance at him.

-Later, Kaidan. I'll see you around.

Then he jerked awake. It was the first time Shepard had talked to him in one of his many nightmares. Usually, they just stood still, Ashley and Liz, as the flames engulfed and consumed them.

After that night, he slipped into the daily life on Horizon, quietly doing his job and pretending to ignore the stares, letting people mumbling under their breath every time they passed by him. As soon as he could figure out how to calibrate these damn laser turrets, he would go back to the Citadel, report to the Alliance, tell them he didn't find anything about Cerberus or the reason why human colonists kept disappearing, and go back to whatever his life had become in the past two years. He'd become friends with another marine named Cory Meyers, who was intent on fixing him up with someone. He'd been reluctant for weeks, but since the nightmare, he was finally considering it. Maybe Nightmare-Shepard had been right. Maybe it _was_ time for him to move on. One date couldn't hurt, right? Right?

-Commander!

A female voice brought him back to reality. Right. Horizon.

-Is there something wrong, Lilith?

-You bet! We seem to have lost our comm systems.

-Are you kidding?

-I'm afraid not. They're all down.

He swore. _Shit. What the hell?_ Something felt horribly wrong, and it wasn't just the communication systems.

-Alright, I want you to check it out. I'm going to the turrets. There's something I want to try that might work.

Lilith nodded and rushed away. He went in the other direction and jogged towards the GARDIAN laser turrets.

* * *

He _hated_ when things did not go the way he wanted. Tech was his thing, for fuck's sake! But he couldn't figure out what was wrong with the turrets, and couldn't calibrate the damn things. Surprised at the thought, he found himself hoping that Tali was here. She'd work the shit out of that tech. She would have snapped her fingers, or talons, or whatever Quarians had for hands under that suit, and the turrets would have recoiled in fear. They would have danced for her. But he wasn't Tali. The Quarian wasn't anywhere close, and he had not even heard from her in the past two years, so he was left with Lilith and a colony full of people who basically hated his guts. Speaking of the devil, he spotted the woman walking quickly in his direction.

-Lilith! He called, coming to meet her. We've got a problem.

-Didn't work, then?

-No. Still can't calibrate the targeting matrix. It's driving me crazy. Those defense turrets are useless if we don't figure it out.

-Well, it will have to wait. I'm sorry, Commander, but I think getting our comm systems back online takes priority.

-I know that! He growled. Quite surprised people haven't tried to blame that on me, too…

Lilith frowned. He had not meant to let that slip, but he was worried and in a terrible mood.

-You know it's not personal. People out here don't trust the Alliance.

-I kind of got that, yeah.

He was about to ask her about the communication blackout and what she had found about the systems when a shadow appeared over them. He turned his head to the sky, worried.

-What is that? Lilith asked.

Damn, it looked like a ship – an _enormous_ ship. And as it got closer to the ground, it also looked eerily familiar. Oh shit. It couldn't be… Could it?

-Get everyone to the safe house! He ordered, trying to control the panic he could feel rising in his chest.

Then he noticed the swarm that had just come from the ship. His heart raced as he grabbed his assault rifle.

-I'll cover you! He yelled.

The scared colonists started running, but the swarm was faster than them – much faster. Kaidan fired desperately at the creatures until he felt a painful sting.

-What…

Holding his rifle in one hand, he reached for the bug with the other and ripped it out of his flesh. The bug was ugly as hell and just looked _mean_. He threw it to the ground and crushed it with the heel of his combat boot, then tried to fire on the swarm once again; only his fingers didn't respond. He felt like he was losing control over his own body. _Have to…_

His body abandoned him and he fell to the ground.

* * *

Muffled voices were the first thing he heard when he regained consciousness. Then he noticed it: the silence. Except for these few voices, the planet was dead silent. Horizon had over six thousands colonists; it wasn't exactly the quietest place. There was always chatter, noises. So why was it so _still_?

His head hurt. He was used to migraines, knew what a bad hangover felt like, but that was different.

-Ouch, he growled.

He got up slowly, cautiously. He felt like he was ninety years old and had a moment of compassion for Joker. Apparently, it was think-about-your-former-team-day.

His limbs felt stiff, but he was walking and moving. He took a look around him. There wasn't anyone around, which was weird. Had the colonists been able to escape the swarm? Where was everyone? Why was he still here, alone? He could still hear the voices and decided to head over there. It wasn't like he had much of a choice, anyway. As he got close, though, he recognized one of the voices. He froze.

 _No way. No. Can't be._

Maybe he wasn't awake, in the end. Maybe he was still lying on the ground and having a nightmare again. Or maybe he had hit his head falling. A severe concussion seemed like the only rational explanation, because there was no way…

His feet carried him towards the voice without him even noticing until he turned the corner and looked at her for the first time in two years. He hadn't seen her face since she had told him to leave her on their burning ship, except in his nightmares. Their eyes met, and his heart just... stopped. She was really here, right in front of him, looking almost the same as she had two years before. It made no sense, and yet.

-It's been too long, K.

The words barely registered. At first, all he could see was her playful smile; all he could hear was the way she had called him – no one but her called him that. But then they hit him with all their meaning, and he felt angry as hell.

-Is that all you have to say? He snapped.

The smile disappeared and her eyes narrowed. He didn't exactly notice that either. The only thing that mattered was that she was standing there. A single word echoed over and over again in his head. _Alive. Alive, alive, alive._ He had been at her funeral, he had cried over her, had dreamed about her death, while all this time, she had been somewhere in the galaxy, out of reach and yet so much closer than he had thought she was, so much closer than she had been in death. He should have been happy, should have rejoiced, but he only felt furious and cheated. All this time, all this pain, all this grief, that burden that had felt too heavy for him to carry... had it all been for nothing then?

-I freaking _loved_ you, Liz, he continued, letting his rage flow out of his mouth. Thinking you were dead… God, it tore me apart. Why didn't you try to contact me? Hell, you didn't even tell me you were alive!

She frowned, looking taken aback. It was the first time he'd said "those" words. Now of all times.

-I…

Something dark passed in her eyes. It was so quick he thought he had imagined it.

-I was clinically dead, Kaidan.

 _No more K. then, just good old Kaidan._

-It took two years to bring me back. Two years. I thought… I didn't want to hurt you. You've moved on, haven't you?

-I…

The words got trapped in his throat. Had he moved on? He had gotten by, he had endured, he had survived. He had let go of some of the pain and loss but still carried a lot every day, and today, seeing her again… Well, it reopened it all. Wounds were suddenly fresh, his heartbreak as real as if she had died the day before.

-I thought I did. But now we've got reports about you and Cerberus. And you're here.

Shepard stayed silent, looking at her feet. Kaidan couldn't help wonder if she still wore nail polish under those combat boots. _Stay focused_.

-The Alliance thought Cerberus could have something to do about our missing colonists, he explained. We had a tip about this one: we thought it might be the next target.

-Our colonies _are_ disappearing, but Cerberus isn't the enemy here, Kaidan. The Alliance turned its back on them. At least Cerberus is willing to do something about it.

-Do you seriously believe that? We saw what they're capable of, didn't we? We both know who they are. How could you… How could you betray everything we've worked for, everything we knew? How could you betray _me_?

-You know me!

Everything went still. Shepard had not intended to shout, but this was so unfair. Sure, he must have had a hard time after she was gone, but it did _not_ justify every one of his words. His words stung and hurt like hell. She hated him for that. She, too, had had a hard time: she had been dead. They had taken away two years of her life and put her back on her feet like she wasn't even a real person. She didn't feel like herself anymore, couldn't recognize her own body. She didn't need that shit thrown at her.

-You know I only do things for the right reasons, Kaidan! She yelled at him. The Collectors are working with the Reapers.

-It's not that I don't want to believe you. I just can't trust Cerberus, and you know why. What if they're manipulating you?

-Is that really how you feel about me?

She wasn't yelling anymore. Her voice actually sounded kind of… sad. Kaidan suddenly felt quite ashamed:

-I…, he tried.

Shepard did not let him finish:

-You're letting Cerberus' history blind you to the facts.

-At least I still know where my loyalties lie, he retorted. Look, I'll report to the Citadel and tell them your story, but… It's not up to me.

-I don't care about them, Kaidan. I care about _you_. You know you can trust me.

-I could trust the old you. I don't know who you've become, Shepard.

She looked as if she'd been struck by lightning, as if he had slapped her.

-Fine. Go report to the Citadel, then. I would have offered a spot on my crew, but obviously…

-I'll never work for Cerberus.

-Yeah, I got that message loud and clear.

Kaidan turned his back on her and closed his eyes.

-Goodbye, Commander.

He didn't wait for her answer before walking away. He could still feel her presence behind him, slowly shrinking away, and it broke his heart. He wanted to believe her, wanted to believe it was _her_ , his Lizzie. But two years had passed and he had built walls around his heart. It was the only way to keep moving, to stay alive. Her sudden return sent his walls crashing down, it pulled him back in and it was terrifying. What if she wasn't the person he had loved back then? Was if she was some Cerberus' clone? Was if she was, in fact, manipulated by the group?

He had been broken once; it had taken all this time for him to pick up the broken pieces of himself, and he was not ready to let that happen again.

 **[A/N: Always had a hard time trying to figure out what Kaidan was thinking on Horizon, so I tried putting that in here, but honestly, it was kinda hard to write. Anyway, I put some of the game's dialogues in this chapter. Obviously, Mass Effect is not mine.**

 **I mean, if it was, Kaidan wouldn't have been such an ass, and Joker would definitely be romanceable.]**


	3. Chapter 3

Kaidan was still mad by the time he got back to the Citadel. All things considered, though, he guessed it was better than letting that familiar fit of depression come back. So anger it was, and Anderson sensed it the second he walked into his office – well, furiously waltzed in, more like. He _radiated_ rage.

-She really _is_ alive, then… Anderson murmured after his report.

-Or she's a damn Cerberus robot!

Anderson shrugged, seemingly unmoved. It unnerved him even more, if that was even possible.

-Is that it? Is that all you have to say? Are you really going to let Cerberus do that to her?

 _Careful, you idiot. He's still your superior, and an admiral at that._

-If Shepard's alive, I'm fairly certain she's making her own decisions. She always was. That temper of hers, as I'm sure you know.

Kaidan almost felt a smile behind the words, but it didn't show on Anderson's face. Damn, the man should consider playing poker with the crew, he might actually kill it. Except the crew didn't exist anymore; it was scattered all around the galaxy. He had not recognized the two people accompanying Shepard on Horizon, a woman in a suit way too tight and a huge Krogan who had seemed impatient to get the hell out of there.

-Let me handle Shepard, Anderson said.

-Apparently, Cerberus gave her a ship. I saw it. It looked strangely like… Like the Normandy, actually.

-I'm aware about the ship. I also know they recruited Jeff Moreau to fly it.

-What?! Kaidan exclaimed. Joker? No way. I knew he had left the Alliance, but… How do you know?

-I've got my sources, Commander.

Kaidan eyed him suspiciously. Then it hit him:

-They were never just rumors, were they? You lied to me. You sent me to Horizon _hoping_ I would run into her.

-Like I said, Alenko, let me handle Shepard, Anderson answered dryly.

He didn't really have a choice, and agreed to let it go. For now, at least. He needed time to wrap his head around it. What else had the Alliance hidden from him? How long had they known Shepard was back? Had Anderson already met with her?

-What about the colonists, Sir? He asked tentatively.

His anger at Cerberus and Shepard had also been a welcomed distraction from his failure on Horizon. If only he had been better at his job, maybe… He was as responsible for these people's death as he had been for hers. He could almost hear his shrink's voice: "Survivor's guilt is quite common after such events, Lieutenant Alenko". Well, screw that – and her. It wasn't survivor's guilt. It was the truth, pure and simple. He had messed up once again and didn't know yet how he would handle it.

-I'm afraid it's too late for them, Commander, Anderson sighed. You did what you could.

 _No,_ _I didn't. If I had, they'd still be alive._ He still didn't understand why he had survived, why they had not taken him too – why he always had to stay behind and be the survivor he didn't really want to be.

-Go back to your usual work, Alenko. I'll be in touch.

So that was it. Shepard was back, Cerberus was up to something serious, their colonists were taken, and he was dismissed. That's what happens when you screw up.

-Yes, Sir.

Kaidan snapped to a salute and left. He walked briskly, somehow hoping that it would help silence the echoes of the conversation he had on Horizon. That had _not_ gone the way he would have wanted. He had let his emotions get the better of him, as he often did, and that had led to disaster.

It was late already, and he was exhausted, both physically and emotionally. He got back to the apartment he'd been renting on the Citadel for the past months, grateful to get home. Home was actually quite a stretch, but at least it was a roof over his head and a place to sleep. The place still felt cold and anonymous, since he had not really tried to make any change. Sometimes he felt like he was living in a model apartment, but he was not there often enough, and did not care enough either, to try and do something about it. He had stopped bothering about that sort of things when all his hopes and dreams for a future and a family, someone to share a home with, had exploded over Alchera with the woman he wanted to build his life with.

The fridge was almost empty except for a few basics, but he didn't feel hungry anyway; just tired, cranky and something really close to heartbroken. He grabbed a beer and slumped into the white couch, propping his feet, still enclosed in his boots, on the glass table. Shepard would have called the place "fancy" with a mocking laugh; he considered it passable. It wasn't like he was planning on inviting Wrex any time soon. Otherwise, that table would have been quite the hindrance. But the Krogan, like all of his former teammates, had seemingly dropped off the face of the… _Yeah, that expression doesn't really work_. Although Wrex had probably gone back to Tuchanka. The others…

A ping interrupted his train of thoughts. He stood warily and got to the table, where he had left his omni-tool. He had just received a new email and frowned when he noticed the sender's name – just when he was thinking of his old team; although, to be fair, he _did_ think about it a lot.

 **Subject:** **Sucker**

 **What the hell, man?**

 **–** **J.**

Kaidan scoffed.

-Pot, kettle… He said out loud despite being alone in the room.

He quickly sent an answer and didn't even bother signing his name.

 **Subject: Traitor**

 **You could have told me!**

The answer came back almost immediately. It looked like Cerberus wasn't keeping the new Normandy that busy, if Joker had time to chat with a former comrade turned… Turned what, exactly? He wasn't the one who had changed. They were.

 **Subject: Pompous prick**

 **Two years, Alenko, and not once did you try and reach out to me. Us.**

Kaidan grimaced. The emphasis on the "us" hurt more than he would have liked. But then again, it was the pot calling the kettle black and he was keen on letting Joker know.

 **Subject: WTF**

 **As I recall, you didn't exactly reach out either. I didn't even know you were working for C.E.R.B.E.R.U.S.**

 **P.S:** **did you really call me a "pompous prick"?**

For the second time, the answer was quick to come. He had barely time to go back to the couch.

 **Subject: Hell yeah**

 **Yup. You've got a stick up your ass. Always had.**

 **That being said, we're heading to the Citadel. Interested in a drink? For old times' sake. I'll tell you what I can.**

Slowly sipping his beer, Kaidan took a few minutes to consider the offer. He was torn between the knowledge that things had changed and the wish to see his old friend, because Joker _had_ been one at some point in the past, and he hadn't realized how much he had missed him until that short exchange of emails had reminded him of the chats they used to have in the Normandy's cockpit. There wasn't any coming back from the things they had been through. But then again, it was _Joker_. One drink couldn't hurt, and he was deeply curious about anything the pilot could reveal about Shepard and Cerberus. It might actually help him do his job.

 **Subject: About that drink**

 **You're on. But please don't get drunk on me. I've seen it enough to last a lifetime, cause it ain't pretty.**

After sending the message, he could almost picture Joker laughing when reading it and it was enough to convince him he had made the right choice. It wouldn't be like old times, because they were gone for good, but that didn't mean they couldn't try and rekindle some kind of friendship.

That, and he _really_ wanted to understand.

* * *

Joker sat on a bar stool, holding a beer in one hand and tapping the counter with the other. Kaidan came up to him and sat beside the pilot:

-Hey, he greeted him.

Joker smiled and patted him on the shoulder.

-Hey, man. Nice seeing you.

-Yeah, well, thanks for reaching out.

-Friends don't let friends be assholes, Joker said, smug.

Kaidan's smile slipped off his lips. He shot Joker an annoyed look:

-She allowed me to believe she was _dead_ , Joker.

Of course, that was the direction their talk was taking, barely letting them exchange hellos before turning to Shepard. The pilot shook his head calmly:

-Nope. That's just the thing: she was. She really was.

-That's not possible, Kaidan insisted.

-She told you so, though, didn't she? On Horizon.

-Were you listening in on that?

Joker chuckled:

-Always am. I get bored up there, you know. And that was nasty, by the way.

-Hence the "sucker"?

- _Duh_. Anyway… My point is she didn't lie. She told you the truth about being clinically dead and stuff.

-For two years? That's not…

-Listen, the project about bringing her back? Its name was Lazarus. Now, since you've always been a walking encyclopedia – that drives me nuts, by the way –, I'm sure you get the reference.

-"He that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live"… Kaidan quoted, thoughtful.

-Yeah, I have no idea what you just said, but I'll take that as a yes. See? Dead as a doornail.

-You seem awfully comfortable talking about your commander's death.

-Well, I was the one who killed her.

 _As if! I was, and you should know better. I should have stayed behind. I should have grabbed her. I should have_ saved _her._ Kaidan did not dare express his feelings out loud. He had not told any of that to his Alliance mandated shrink, and would not tell Joker either. There was only one person he could have told things like that to, and he wasn't exactly in her good graces anymore.

-If I had just obeyed her orders, she would never have… I was a mess, alright? I mean, you saw me at the funeral. I drank too much, and they fucking grounded me.

-They grounded me too, Kaidan reminded Joker.

-It's different. They let you get back to it eventually. But me? Flying is my life, man. And I'm not talking about dumb shuttles either. I'm a freaking good pilot. Hell, I'm the best the Alliance had! And these assholes _grounded_ me. Like, seriously?

-Is that why you joined Cerberus?

-Nah. Well, I mean, partly. But then they told me about the Lazarus Project. That was hazardous at best, but still. Undead Shepard, a new ship, and being a pilot again? Yup, I signed happily. That doesn't mean it's all glittery and nice, but still.

-I just… Joker, you should have told me.

-Honestly, I thought about it. But Shepard told you: it took two years to bring her back. What if they'd messed it up? I've seen you standing in front of that empty pod, Alenko. And then later, at the funeral… You were… I'd say "a freaking mess", but that doesn't even begin to cover it. I couldn't do that to you.

-Couldn't allow me to _hope_?

-Hope's a bitch, LT.

-It's "Commander", actually.

-Oops. Sorry. Missed that, apparently.

Kaidan shrugged. The promotion had not exactly come out of nowhere, but he did not care about it that much, not like he would have a few years ago.

-So what about the new crew? He asked, changing the subject.

-Oh, man, you should see them! If you thought the first Normandy's crew was weird… I swear Shepard always finds the creepiest, most unstable, least-functioning people in the whole freaking galaxy. I don't know how she does it, but she always brings them together. It's a jolly band of misfits!

He remembered that. Even on their former ship, it had been a strange group, what with the mysterious Commander, the loud-mouthed gunny, the biotic with terrible migraines, the sickly pilot, and a whole collection of aliens. Unstable misfits, sure, but family. He still missed that.

-I'm not sure it can beat what we had back then…

-I am! You obviously haven't met Jack. She's nuts. And I don't mean Wrex-crazy, I seriously mean _batshit_ crazy. Also, we've got a grown in a tank, genetically engineered baby Krogan in the hold, so... There's that. And Zaeed! This guy's… Well, I don't know if he's just freaky or utterly terrifying.

-What about the ship? I noticed you got a new toy, too.

-Aaah, the ship… Yeah, I think I'm in love.

Kaidan chuckled. He had also missed this, not that he would ever admit it out loud – not to Joker, anyway.

-So… Any regrets? The pilot asked, serious again.

Joker's eyes narrowed. Kaidan sighed and fiddled with the label on his bottle.

-About her, sure. Tons, actually. About not joining you guys on Horizon? I don't know. I… It's still Cerberus, Joker.

-No shit, Sherlock. Look, I'm not saying they turned into the good guys…

Kaidan scoffed. Joker rolled his eyes:

-Yeah, yeah. They're still Cerberus. But the Alliance didn't give a crap about us and still doesn't care about what's actually going on out there. Hell, they even tried to force us to admit the Reapers threat was bullshit, remember?

He could not forget that; it was true. After the Normandy's destruction, the Council and the military had both turned their backs on its crew. Without Shepard, their voices went unheard. Separating them had also been a way to make sure they didn't cause too much trouble.

-I do remember, Joker. So what? Are you really trying to make me think Cerberus _cares_?

-I didn't say that. But at least they're doing something. _We_ 're doing something. It might be for the wrong people, but it's definitely for the right reasons. You know Shepard.

It echoed strangely what she had told him on Horizon, and his stomach knotted.

-I'm still too damn angry, Kaidan growled.

-I get that. I used to be, after… Well, you know.

Kaidan nodded and downed the last of his beer. Of course he knew – better than anyone. But there was a distinct difference: although Joker had been both her pilot and her friend, he had never been more than that. He had not lived the last two years in a daze, hoping that time would numb the pain, sometimes barely able to breathe when thinking that she was gone. Now anger wasn't enough to define Kaidan's turmoil of feelings. He knew he had put his foot in his mouth on Horizon, but he felt like he had good reasons.

So why did he feel so guilty about it? 

* * *

**[A/N:** I kinda have a problem with the fact that you have to use your private terminal to read emails. As Mass Effect is set in the future and the omni-tool can basically do ANYTHING, let's just agree that you can also do something as basic as reading your damn messages, because… COME. ON. **]**


	4. Chapter 4

She was somewhere out there, flying and fighting without him watching her back. Yes, he had fallen in love with her because of details; now counting them kept him sane every time he thought about the war she was fighting alone. Well, not alone exactly – she had that new team he knew almost nothing about and wasn't a part of. He had made that choice, however, and he had to stick by it. Even though time had passed since then, he still believed he had been right. Loyalty mattered. He was an Alliance marine, not some damn Cerberus operative.

Still, details. When the light was just at the right angle, her brown hair had red highlights. She was an early riser but was also barely functioning before her usual cup of coffee. She was born right-handed but had become ambidextrous after a nasty fracture on her left arm, which had forced her to rely solely on her left hand. She actually had a middle name, Hannah, after her mother. She would always strongly – her-gun-in-your-face-strongly – deny it, but she secretly liked old romance novels. She had _terrible_ taste in music.

At night, sometimes, he listed all of them. All the things he had learned to know and love. He wondered if she was still that person, wondered about the things Cerberus might have change. Maybe she'd stopped snoring – not that it would have been so bad. Maybe her eyes didn't catch the light in the same way anymore. Maybe she just wasn't Elizabeth anymore. The thought, somehow, was actually a bit comforting. If she had changed, if she wasn't the same person, then he had not driven away the woman he had loved. He had only rebuked a stranger, who had left everything he believed in for a life with a group he had fought against.

Yet he could not take the chance he'd been totally wrong. After that drink with Joker, he sent her an e-mail. It wasn't much, but he hoped it was a start.

She never answered.

* * *

He had not expected their next meeting to happen the way it did. Well, he had not expected anything, actually. He had kept his distance like he had presumed she wished after not answering him. It was also a matter of his own survival, as it had been for the past two years. Her death had torn him apart. He was _not_ about to go through that again; he didn't even know if he could survive something like that again, even though he missed her like crazy.

So for a time, he kept on doing his job, being the soldier he was supposed to be. He threw himself into his work because he needed it and he needed to feel like he was making some good somewhere. He was being useful, and he hung to that feeling. It made getting up and living so much easier, after all. But still, he knew she was out there, and he heard about her way more than he would have liked. Always true to herself, she caused some chaos out there – and somehow, that bothered him. Not just because of the Batarians, though he heard about that as well and cringed, thinking _his_ Shepard would never have settled for sacrificing innocents' lives without a good reason – and he had _no idea_ what her reason was, with the whole not-being-with-her thing –, but because of the idea that she was acting exactly like she used to. The "true-to-herself" part upset him.

And now, here they were. On Earth out of all places, in Vancouver even – his home, or, to be fair, the place he had once called home, before the Normandy, before Elizabeth. Nowadays he didn't really know what passed for home anymore. Not that it really mattered: Admiral Hackett was mobilizing the fleet, and something was coming. He had a feeling, a terrible feeling. _The Reapers. It_ has _to be them. What else could it be, really?_ He wasn't surprised, then, when the Defense Committee summoned him: he had fought Sovereign, after all; he had been there from the very beginning until… well… No, he forbade himself to think about it; this was neither the place nor the time. He told the Defense Committee everything he knew, he repeated the things they had refused to hear since day one and then left without any order, wondering if it was the beginning of the end. And that's when he bumped into her.

She had not changed much since Horizon, although quite some time had passed. Her hair was a little longer but tied into a tight ponytail. She wasn't wearing her Cerberus uniform anymore and she looked tensed, worried, but also, somehow, ready for battle. Except this wasn't her fight anymore. He had kept his distance alright, but he had grasped for any information about her endeavors, and he knew they had grounded her and stripped her of her rank. She was off duty and undoubtedly lucky she had not been court-martialed.

She stood next to Anderson and a young, buff marine who was pretty much built like a tank. She did not notice him at first, agitated as she was, and she turned towards the marine to exchange a few words with him. The Admiral glanced at Kaidan, and he nodded politely:

-Anderson.

He didn't want to look at her; it would have better to just ignore her presence. But he could not, of course. He let his gaze slip in her direction. She still had her back to him, but she looked the same: brown hair with reddish highlights under the yellow lights of the corridor, slim but muscled body… The hole in his chest hurt seeing how familiar her silhouette was, even now. Still, her presence was not good news: it meant the Defense Committee definitely believed the Reapers were the one coming. Why else would they have summoned her here? Last he'd heard, they had taken the Normandy away from her and grounded its whole team along with her. He had sent an enquiring message to Joker but had not received any answer.

-Shepard, he called.

She almost jumped, turning to him at once upon recognizing his voice. There was a tiny spark in her eyes, but it disappeared almost as soon as it had appeared. He wondered what it was. Simple recognition? Anger? Or was she actually glad to see him? No, that… That wasn't even within the realm of possibility.

-Kaidan.

She took a tentative step towards him and stopped right next to the admiral. She did not say another word besides his name and looked at him with wary eyes.

-How did it go in there, Major? The admiral asked.

He forced himself to turn his attention back to Anderson and sighed. He didn't feel like he had won the Committee over. They'd seem guarded, distant, scared even. Much like Shepard looked like right now, actually. But they had also certainly acted like they finally believed what he was telling them.

-Okay, I think. Hard to know.

He shrugged:

-I'm just waiting for orders now.

Anderson seemed like he was about to say something, but Shepard cut him off:

-Major? She wondered aloud, obviously surprised.

-You hadn't heard? Anderson asked.

-No, I hadn't…

There were deep implications in her tone, and Kaidan watched her carefully. Her voice sounded almost sad, regretful. He had tried to reach out, though; she was the one who hadn't answered. Even so, he found himself apologizing:

-Sorry, Shepard. It's been… Well.

What could he say, really? She knew. And with Anderson here, and that mountain of a marine right behind her, it wasn't like he could go into details.

-That's okay. I'm just… Glad I bumped into you, Kaidan.

He winced every time she said his name. It sent familiar goosebumps up his spine. The voice, though… The voice was nowhere near familiar. It was even, calm, businesslike. There was no feeling in that tone, no warmth. Though it was not exactly unfriendly, it was definitely not companionable either, and it hurt much more than it should have. Maybe they just weren't friends anymore. But they had been once, they'd been lovers – no, they had been much more than that. Couldn't she at least pretend like she cared?

He heard footsteps behind him, and Anderson turned towards Shepard, signaling her to follow him. She pursed her lips and glanced at Kaidan one last time, hesitant. He guessed she was concerned, not because of the threat lurking out there, but because of the Committee. Politics were not her thing, never had been. Before he even had time to think about it, he smiled at her, reassuring. The old Kaidan would have done that. Him? Probably not so much. But hell, he felt like she needed it, and _he_ still cared. At least he thought he did. Right now, his mind was in turmoil. _Come on, man. Get a grip. It's nothing – you've moved on, right?_

Anderson and Shepard walked away, leaving him with the other marine, who looked surprised:

-You know the Commander? He asked as soon as they were gone.

What could he answer to that? Speaking in the present tense seemed wrong somehow. He did not know her now, did not know who and what she had become. At some point in the past, though, he had known her better than anyone; he had been the only one privy to the cracks when the road was just too hard, the burden too heavy to carry on her shoulders alone, the task so much bigger than her. He had known her soul that way and had known her body by heart, every imperfection, every spot, every scar, every mole. He had known how she looked, how she tasted. And now…

-I used to, he simply said.

Vega did not seem to notice the sadness in Kaidan's voice:

-I like her. I mean, she's tough, and I respect that. Wasn't easy for her lately, though. I guarded her for the past months, you know.

-While she was grounded? He guessed.

-Yeah.

-Bet it was hard.

-For her? Hell yeah. She was restless, man. I mean, Major.

Kaidan shook his head, quickly dismissing the slip. It was fine. He enjoyed this, talking about her, putting some of the pieces back together, knowing what she had been up to.

-So… How did you and the Commander meet?

-I served under her command back on the old Normandy.

-Wow, that must have been something.

-Yes, I guess it was.

Suddenly he didn't feel like talking about any of that anymore. What had happened aboard the SR-1 belonged only to its former crew, not to that stranger who wanted to hear war stories about his idol. Kaidan didn't care much for the hero he supposed she was. The friend, the comrade, the woman, the soul under the armor – yes, that was the one he missed.

-What about the ship? He asked, changing the topic.

-Seized. It's still in port, I think. Shepard didn't like it, and the pilot… Oh, man, he was _mad_.

-Joker's here?

-Well, yeah. I mean, he must be around. Doesn't leave the ship much.

Kaidan snickered. That sounded like Joker. He wondered if he could send him a message, meet him for a drink again, get updates on Shepard and their old friends. Maybe this time the bastard would answer, if only out of sheer boredom. He had nothing against Vega, except maybe for his obvious hero worship on Shepard, but Joker was different – Joker was his friend, even when he felt like smacking him on the head, which, to be fair, happened quite often.

-So, how do you think it's gonna go in there?

-Shepard's probably gonna tell them all to go to hell.

Vega snorted:

-Yeah, sounds like her. What did they ask you?

He never got to answer that question. He opened his mouth to speak but the words never got a chance to get spoken.

Because that's when everything went to hell.

* * *

 **[A/N** : So... At first I had planned this story as a one-shot focusing on Kaidan during ME2, but I ended up writing it quite differently, as you can see now that we're in ME3 territory. However, this will not span the entire game, although I do have several more incoming chapters. Well, I guess you'll just have to read them to find out :) **]**


	5. Chapter 5

Vega was running right behind him, puffing and panting like him as they desperately tried to reach the spaceport, racing like their lives depended on it. Well, they _did_ depend on it. Everything was absolutely crazy: alarms were blaring, people were running and screaming everywhere, and huge, metallic aliens were pouring out of the skies, ripping humans to shreds and tearing buildings apart. There were smoke and confusion, noise and gunfire. The whole thing was beyond words, even for him, who considered himself to have seen more than the average Marine. Eden Prime, Ilos, the battle of the Citadel and even Horizon were all small things compared to the chaos that was happening all around them. This surely felt like the end of the world. For years, he had lived knowing about the looming threat, having been there when it all started, but until now he had never really thought about how it would all go down, how it would wreak havoc on their planet and leave only death in its wake. So many shattered lives, so much damage, such noise as they kept on dashing madly through what remained of the city. This suddenly felt real, while all these years, even knowing what could be coming, it had only been something so intangible, frightening of course, but so abstract, so hypothetical. Shepard had known, though; she had seen it in the visions the beacon had given her, and she had tried to warn them of the disaster it would be.

If only they had listened.

-Over there! He screamed above the racket.

-You sure? Vega asked.

He still knew this city like the back of his hand; he had lived there, after all, and even though he hadn't been here in ages, it was still oddly familiar. Except, of course, for the part where buildings had already been reduced to plain rubble and Reapers were attacking his former home.

-I'm sure! He confirmed.

They started running again, but something got Kaidan's attention. It was an incoming communication from a very familiar voice.

-This is Admiral Anderson. Report in. Anyone?

-Shit, did you hear that? Vega exclaimed.

Kaidan nodded, already answering Anderson's desperate call:

-Reporting in, Admiral!

-Major Alenko, is that you? What's your status?

-Safe and sound for now, Sir.

-I can't raise the Normandy. You'll have to contact them. We'll meet you at the landing zone. Anderson out.

As the short conversation unfolded, they never stopped running. But suddenly they had to stop and run for cover as fire erupted right over their head.

-What the hell are these things? Vega shouted.

They looked like nothing he had ever seen, ugly bastards with a swollen protuberance on the back. There were husks as well and Kaidan cursed under his breath. He felt naked without his rifle despite feeling the familiar weight of his pistol on his hip, and realized that he would have to rely mostly on his biotics. This was their first battle in the Reapers war and already it was a difficult one. Carefully raising his head out of cover, he fired at the aliens as Vega imitated him, cursing loudly.

-Major, can you read me? A voice called in his ear. I'm patching in Shepard.

It was Anderson again; Kaidan answered quickly:

-We're almost to the Normandy. I've got Lieutenant Vega with me, but we're taking heavy fire.

As if to confirm the information, Vega swore again and ducked as bullets ricocheted right where his head had just been.

-We're about five minutes out, Anderson said.

Kaidan and Vega were closer to the Normandy, but they had to get rid of the aliens first. Getting up, Kaidan swiftly let his biotics surge through him and sent the blue wave hit them, sending them crashing to the ground.

-Let's move!

He didn't have to say it twice: Vega darted towards the spaceport again. They were almost there, like he had informed the Admiral. Most Alliance ships were in the air, which was currently being their doom, as they were all torn to pieces right over their head, but the SR-2 had been grounded, and they all knew it could save its life – and, hopefully, theirs as well.

-There! Vega shouted. The spaceport!

Kaidan stopped dead in his tracks. As they turned the corner, the Normandy finally came into view, a port in their storm, the lifeline they had held onto since they had started racing death and destruction.

-Come on, let's get the hell out of here! Vega yelled.

Noticing the look on Kaidan's face, he froze.

-What the hell's wrong with you? You look like you've seen a ghost.

It was exactly the way he felt. The ship looked too much like the SR-1 for him not to feel dumbfounded upon seeing it that close for the first time. He had only caught a glimpse of it on Horizon, now he was about to set foot on that ship and put his life in Joker's hands again.

-I just hope Joker's aboard or we're screwed, he mumbled.

-Come on, Vega said again.

This time, Kaidan followed him as he darted again towards the ship. They ran like hell until they stumbled aboard the Normandy. Gasping and out of breath, not quite believing they had made it, they let themselves fall to the floor under the panicked eyes of the crew, not noticing the fear in their terrified looks. Finally, Kaidan was able to take a look around him, noting the stares and trembling lips, and pulled himself back up on his feet.

-Is the pilot aboard? He asked the nearest soldier.

-In the cockpit, the marine nodded.

Kaidan automatically turned in the right direction, already knowing where to go. Being on this ship felt weird. It was the Normandy, and yet it wasn't. It felt familiar but also strange enough that he knew he wasn't home again, just… on a new ship that looked way too much like the one he still saw going up in flames in his nightmares. Forbidding himself to think about it, since it was neither the right place nor the right time, he walked quickly to the cockpit, Vega right on his heels. He recognized the all too familiar silhouette of the pilot in his chair and leaned towards him, one hand on the back of the chair.

-Joker! He called.

-Alenko? What are you doing here?

-I was called as a witness by the Defense Committee, he explained briefly.

-I didn't mean in Vancouver, I meant on my ship. Not that I'm not glad seeing you.

-I was with Lieutenant Vega, Kaidan clarified, pointing towards the other officer. When everything went down, we thought our best shot of getting the hell out of here was the Normandy.

-You bet. Shepard here already?

-No, Kaidan answered bleakly. She was with Anderson. I talked to the Admiral, though. He said he tried to raise you.

-Yeah, communications are a mess. What's the plan?

-They're trying to make it here, obviously. Anderson said they're a few minutes out, but the way here isn't pretty.

-And getting worse, Vega mumbled. Not sure they'll make it.

-I'm gonna try to raise them, Joker said, his fingers already moving over the board. If it comes to it, what should we do?

There was a silence in the cockpit. It lasted a few seconds, the time it took Kaidan to notice they were looking at him.

-What do you mean?

-You're the highest ranking officer on the ship right now, _Major_ , Joker explained. You know we can't stay on the ground too long if we have the slightest hope of getting out of here alive.

Kaidan finally realized what he actually meant:

-We're not leaving Shepard behind.

It was out of the question. He had done that once already and it had cost him everything.

-Hey, we've got a whole crew here! Vega protested.

Alenko shot him a dark look.

-Alright, alright, I'll try and contact the Admiral, Joker repeated.

-Good. Keep me updated. Vega, you get the crew ready for emergency take-off. You guys have an armor I can borrow?

-Yeah, we've got spares in the armory. It's downstairs.

-Pretty sure I can find it. I'll be back in a minute.

He jogged to the elevator, not taking the time to comfort the crew or even look at them. Surely they needed answers, but the pep talks would have to wait. He hurried to the armory and found a fitting armor, already missing his own, which was certainly crushed to tiny pieces, somewhere under the ruins of his homeworld. But he had not time to mourn the loss, grieve over the place he had grown up in or even wonder about what had happened to the people he knew – his parents, for one –; this was the tragedy of wars, which throw people in the numbed urgency of the fight. Further along the road, if he even made it that far, the pain would surely crash over him, choking him as he'd finally realize the depth of his loss; but it wasn't yet time for that. First, he had to survive.

True to his word, Kaidan came back up to the cockpit a couple of minutes later. Vega had disappeared, hopefully busy obeying his orders.

-Any word from Shepard and Anderson? We'll probably have to pick them up somewhere.

-Nothing yet. What's the order, Major?

Kaidan closed his eyes a second. Joker was right: they could not linger on the ground any longer.

-Take off. We're going to meet them and pick them up. No way they'll make it all the way here on foot, it's crazy out here.

-Aye, aye.

Joker's fingers flew over the board and the ship hummed under their feet.

-Hostiles incoming, a synthetized voice announced.

-Who the hell is that? Kaidan asked, jumping.

-EDI, Joker answered, barely hiding an amused smirk.

-Cerberus put a VI onboard?

-Yeah, it's more complicated than that. I'll fill you in after we… Shit! The bastards are firing at us!

As Joker's fingers danced on the controls, the ship swayed, whirled, rolled and spun in the air, getting farther away from the ground while avoiding the shots. Kaidan grabbed Joker's seat to stay upright as the pilot tried to work his magic to get out of this mess. His radio crackled and came back to life again, Anderson choosing the worst timing to raise him again.

-Major Alenko, we're in sight of the spaceport. ETA 3 minutes.

-We've made it to the Normandy. Taking heavy fire.

He wanted to ask them where they were but his attention got sidetracked. His eyes grew wide as he took in the fight happening outside.

-Oh, God. They're gonna take down that dreadnought. Evasive maneuvers, _now_!

His scream got lost in the noise of the Reapers' red beam destroying the dreadnought under their very eyes, slicing through its hull like it was mere paper, while Joker's hands flew over the controls to try and evade the debris exploding right in front of them. He didn't realize he had lost the line to Anderson until he was finally able to breathe again, the sky clear in front of their ship.

-Shit, Joker, that was close.

-No shit, I think I pissed myself a little! We're lucky I'm just _that_ good, right?

Kaidan would have laughed if the small exchange hadn't brought back the phantom pain in his stomach, the ache he had first felt when he'd set his eyes on the Normandy earlier and that then grown into a knot when he had boarded – and remained there. This, too, felt too familiar, like the ghost of long lost conversations.

-What did the Admiral say? Joker asked, bringing him back to the present.

-They're three minutes out.

-Knowing Shepard's luck, they'll probably run into trouble.

-Right. Make that five.

-Don't think we have that much if we want to stay alive, Alenko.

-I thought you were just that good?

Joker snorted but didn't have a comeback. Kaidan carefully patted his shoulder, overcautious not to hurt him.

-Try to get closer to them if you can.

-Of course I can, Joker retorted. Alright, brace yourselves, kids.

They were the longest minutes ever. Joker sweated over his controls as he flew between exploding ships and Reapers' beams. The tension in the cockpit was almost palpable.

-Normandy, this is Anderson, do you read?

-It's them! Kaidan exclaimed. Finally!

Joker rolled his eyes. Ignoring him, Kaidan answered the call:

-Admiral, what's your location?

-By a downed gunship in the harbor. I'm activating its distress beacon.

Kaidan threw a look in Joker's direction; the pilot nodded.

-We've got you. Stay where you are, we… Admiral?

-We lost them, Joker clarified. We'll be there in a minute if nothing goes wrong.

Nervously tapping his fingers on the pilot's seat, Kaidan nibbled the inside of his mouth while they darted through the air towards Shepard's position.

-There, I see them! Joker yelled. Looks like they've got some company.

-They'll have to jump aboard. I'm heading downstairs. See if you can raise them.

He turned on his heels to leave the cockpit, hearing Joker reaching Anderson as he walked away. About a minute later, he joined Vega in the hold and grabbed the rifle the marine was holding out to him.

-They might be coming in hot, Kaidan stated.

-Yeah, I see them.

He was right: Shepard was running towards them, agile as ever, Anderson right on her heels. The Commander jumped aboard the Normandy and Kaidan instinctively reached for her, without even thinking about it.

-Welcome back, Shepard.

-Thanks.

She turned towards the Admiral, still on the ground, waiting for him to imitate her and jump aboard.

-Come on! She yelled.

-I'm not going, Anderson stated.

Kaidan's eyes grew wide and he glanced at Vega, who simply shrugged.

-You saw those men back there, Anderson continued, speaking to Shepard only. There's a million more like them, and they need a leader.

He listened to their conversation while pacing silently behind the Commander, holding his rifle tightly, ready to fire at any approaching alien and providing cover to both his superior officers. Meanwhile, Shepard tried to retort something about being in the same fight as Anderson, clearly wishing to stay with him, but Anderson wouldn't have it, sending her to the Council instead. She didn't look like she liked it, but she understood, Kaidan was sure of it – he knew her well enough. Anderson was right: humans would not win this war alone, and Shepard would be much more useful away from Earth than here, on humanity's homeworld. Her fist clasped on her recovered dog tags, she stood next to Kaidan while the Normandy gained altitude, watching Anderson become a tiny silhouette on the ground as Joker maneuvered the ship away from Vancouver, away from Earth. Kaidan glanced at her for a second, their eyes meeting, but she looked away and he was left to watch the ruins of their planet, the fires burning, the corpses already lying on the ground, the smoke and the rubble of the city, now unrecognizable, that he had once called home. He felt the pain and regret oozing from Shepard's every pore, and a part of him wanted to reach for her hand. Two and a half years ago, it's probably exactly what he would have done. They would have stood silently, holding each other's hand as an anchor, and, somehow, it would have made things slightly more bearable.

But another part of him also felt like she was a stranger, not the woman he had known and loved, and knew he had no right to touch her like that ever again. That part of him didn't know what to think about being on the same ship, with no other option than following her orders once again. Sure, Anderson had reinstated her, but he wasn't certain at all that it was enough for him. He still had no idea whether he could trust that woman, even though she did look like the ghost of the one he'd loved once.

* * *

 **[A/N:** Still don't own Mass Effect and its dialogues. If I did, Ashley would have been way less annoying and I wouldn't have had to kill her on Virmire _every. Freaking. Time_.

Oh, well. **]**


	6. Chapter 6

Vega was pacing angrily in the hold, fuming. Kaidan had stopped paying attention to him quite quickly and was now making sure the rifle he'd borrowed was modded and ready for an eventual firefight.

-I still can't believe this! Vega exclaimed, so pissed he was almost shouting.

-You heard Shepard, Kaidan mumbled. We're going to Mars, and then we'll be reporting to the Council.

-Well, that's bullshit and you know it! I still think we ought to get back down there and fight.

-We're gonna fight.

-We're gonna fight politics, Vega retorted with obvious contempt. I'm a marine, not a scheming… shark!

Kaidan didn't answer and Vega continued grumbling. Alenko agreed partly with him: he, too, was a soldier rather than a politician, just like Shepard. But he had been part of the chase for Saren, and although he was not fond of the Council's past actions, he also knew that they could not act like mere space pirates. Shepard had learned that hard lesson after the stunt she'd pulled with Cerberus, and despite disliking politics herself, she wouldn't make the same mistake again.

The Commander, who had disappeared to put on her armor, came back to the hold just then. She was still wearing the same preoccupied expression on her face, obviously troubled and worried, but she also had her usual battle-ready look, already in full Spectre mode. Kaidan's heart skipped a beat or two. This was all too familiar; it looked like the Shepard he had known over two years ago, when they were partners, teammates, lovers. Now she barely spared a glance in his direction as they grabbed her weapons and finished getting ready. _Not her; it's not her_.

-We'll be there in a few minutes, she said. We're gonna take the shuttle while the Normandy remains in orbit. Hopefully, we'll be in and out quickly. Alright, guys, grab your gear.

The hold had changed a bit, but he could almost picture his former teammates gathered here. Ashley would be by her station, muttering something about "never getting picked"; Garrus would be busy making sure the Mako could still run after Shepard's last wild ride; Wrex would get way too excited about shooting things. This felt more like home than it should have, given that it was _not_. He could feel the ghosts of things past lurking around in the shadows and suddenly wanted to get the hell out of here; he nearly ran towards the shuttle and hurried to get in. Shepard threw him a curious look and raised an eyebrow.

-Everything alright there, Major?

Shit, were they back to ranks now? This was bad. Or it would have been if he'd cared; and he didn't, right? He couldn't.

-Yeah, he lied. Let's go.

* * *

Vega piloted the shuttle to the ground of Mars, and they set foot on the planet's red soil. The wind was blowing, as a nasty storm was approaching fast; communications were gonna be difficult, complicating their mission a bit. Well, it was just dust, and, as he reminded Vega, it was also the least of their worries. So they just kept going, ignoring both the fast winds and the red dust that covered their boots as they went, until Shepard stopped dead in her tracks.

-What the hell?

Kaidan raised an eyebrow and glanced at whatever she was looking at. A body. The corpse of an Alliance soldier.

-I don't understand. It doesn't look like there's been a fight here.

-And there was no sign of Reaper activity, Vega reminded them both. Something's fishy.

-I agree, Shepard said. Keep your eyes peeled for anything out of the ordinary.

-I think the giant, metallic grasshoppers invading Earth as we speak qualify as "out of the ordinary", Vega snorted.

Shepard shot him her death stare, the one Kaidan had already seen so many times he had actually come to cherish it. It unnerved him, seeing it again. It was one more little thing he had not expected to see, not if she wasn't _his_ Shepard – and there was no way she could be.

-Let's move, Shepard ordered, and he snapped back to reality.

They kept going in tensed silence. They weren't exactly nervous, being the experienced soldiers they all were, but they were on edge and there was definitely tension there, with them not knowing what was happening.

-Did you hear that? Vega's voice asked as they neared the base.

-Yeah. Definitely gunfire, Shepard confirmed.

They moved forward, hurrying in the direction of the shots. Shepard ran to a boulder and took cover behind it, Vega and Kaidan imitating her. They had a good view of the scene unfolding a few meters away: men in white armor were standing beside fresh bodies, shot execution style. Kaidan had barely the time to count the hostiles before another shot rang through the air and one of them dropped dead to the ground, courtesy of Shepard. The others started firing back at them, but they were clearly no match for them, and, as the last one hit the ground, abrupt silence followed.

-Those guys were Cerberus, weren't they? Vega asked, pointing at the yellow emblem on their white armor.

Cerberus? On Mars? It made no sense. Kaidan glanced at Shepard, who purposely ignored him.

-What are they doing here?

Shepard finally looked back at him.

-Good question.

-You don't know? He insisted.

-I'm not with them anymore, Kaidan, if that's what you're asking.

It wasn't. Well, it was. No, it… He didn't even know anymore. Did he believe her? Did he _want_ to?

-It wasn't, he protested. But you have to admit, it's a bit convenient.

Shepard didn't even answer that. She kept her mouth shut, frowning a little, and then just turned on her heels and started walking again, like nothing had even happened. Vega shrugged and went after Shepard, leaving Kaidan behind. Great, now he had screwed up again. But that had been a legitimate question to ask. Or maybe not.

He had no idea what to think anymore.

* * *

They took down another few men from Cerberus before finally being able to enter the base. But as they did, they also realized something was very wrong here: there was absolutely no way Cerberus could have taken that base with such a small force without any help from the inside.

-Shepard, I need a straight answer.

The door had just closed behind them, and Shepard turned towards him. Her eyes were cold, her shoulders tensed. She had probably known the confrontation was coming.

-K…, she sighed.

-Don't you dare "K." me, Shepard! This is _business_ , he snapped.

He had not intended to bark at her like that, but he was still too damn _angry_. They used to be able to separate personal feelings from professional stuff, now they somehow had to find that balance again. And he _had_ to know, he had to make sure. Why couldn't she just understand that?

-Do you know anything about why Cerberus is here? He asked.

-What makes you think I know what they're up to?

-You worked for them, for God's sake! How am I _not_ supposed to think that?

-We joined forces to take down the Collectors. That's it.

He shook his head:

-There's more to it. They rebuilt you from the ground up. Hell, they gave you a ship, resources…

-Let me be clear: I've had no contact with Cerberus since I destroyed the Collector base. And I have no idea why they're here now, or what they want.

-Commander Shepard has been under constant surveillance since coming back to Earth, Vega put in. There's no way they've communicated since.

Kaidan didn't answer for a few seconds. Shepard looked pissed, and she had never had to raise her tone at him like that before, expect on Horizon. But then again, they had never been in this situation before. Of course, he wanted to believe and trust her, like he had before everything went down, but he had no idea about what had happened to her since he had last seen her a few minutes before her death. They could have put a control chip in her brain for all he knew. Or worse: they had brought her back exactly like she was, the real her, which meant he had turned his back on the woman he had loved. Anyway, he had to know for sure, because she was standing in front of him once again, and he couldn't allow himself to feel _anything_ if it meant going through what he had been through once again. It had nearly killed him.

-Sorry, Shepard. It's just that…

-You of all people should know what I'm about, Kaidan, she said, and he would have sworn there was sadness in her voice.

The elevator started moving under their feet. They had only seconds before getting to the facility.

-Please trust me.

She was looking right into his eyes. He held her stare. Then the elevator stopped, as they had reached the main level. They stepped off and started walking through what looked like a warehouse.

-I do, he promised. I'm sorry, I didn't mean…

Suspicious noise cut him off; it sounded like gunfire enclosed in a small space, and Kaidan realized it was coming from the ventilation ducts. They took cover right in time to see a blue silhouette jump off the duct, followed by two Cerberus soldiers that the Asari shot down without the slightest hesitation. Hell, if that was how sweet Liara was acting now, he wasn't the only one who had changed after Shepard's death.

* * *

-I've discovered plans for a prothean device, Liara explained. One that could wipe out the Reapers.

It sounded too good to be true, to be honest, but at this point, they would grasp at any reason to hope coming their way.

-Where do we find this weapon? Shepard enquired.

-It's not a weapon, not yet. It's plans for a device. A blueprint.

-Well, it's more than we had a minute ago. How do we get it?

-The archives are just across that tramway, Liara answered, pointing to the archives building out the window. Assuming Cerberus hasn't locked it down.

-What are they after?

-They want what I'm here for. What we're all here for…

Shepard seemed confused for a minute:

-But why?

-The Protheans came close to defeating the Reapers. They had plans to destroy them, but they ran out of time.

-And anything powerful enough to destroy the Reapers… Kaidan started.

-Just might be something Cerberus is interested in, Shepard finished his sentence.

He nodded, looking at her. She looked right back at him, and he felt something pass between them. It could have been anything, but he wanted to think it was some kind of understanding. A truce.

-So it's a race to the archives, Vega concluded.

It was more than that, though. It wasn't just any race, it was one they could not afford to lose. But Kaidan had no time to express his thoughts, as a loud noise echoed in the warehouse, indicating someone was trying to force the doors open.

-We've got company! Shepard exclaimed. James, you get back to the shuttle. If Cerberus beats us to the archives, I need you covering the exits.

Obviously not happy about it, Vega rolled his eyes and took off towards the elevator, leaving the three of them in the warehouse, taking cover to welcome their unwanted guests. When the last one dropped dead, they exited the warehouse, heading to the archives. Doing so, they passed through security, where Shepard tried gaining access to the pedway. While waiting, Kaidan noticed a woman on the security footage.

-Did you see that? He asked Liara, who sat closest to him. Who's that?

-That's Doctor Eva Core. She got here about a week ago.

The dark-haired woman ran off the screen, and Kaidan turned back to Shepard.

-No luck, the commander stated.

Which meant they had to get out on the roof and find a way from up there. Great. Especially now that the storm was getting close, causing interference. They were alone in this mess, and he didn't like the idea. Still, they made it to the cafeteria without any further incident, and, from there, another security room, where they were able to get access to the labs.

-Check this out. There's a recording of what happened here.

Shepard and Liara glanced at the screen Kaidan was pointing at. The footage showed Dr. Core coming behind the security guard and shooting him.

-What the fuck? He murmured.

-I guess we know how Cerberus got in, Shepard sighed.

* * *

Reaching the tram was no walk in the park, but they made it. Except nothing was ever easy for them, and they couldn't override the damn thing.

-We're completely locked out, Liara sighed, defeated.

-Not if we can find a short range communicator, Kaidan suggested. We convince them that we're on their side, tell them the Alliance forces have been taken care of.

Shepard actually seemed quite impressed, and he felt… What? Happy? Satisfied? He wasn't the young, naïve lieutenant he had been once.

-See what you can find, she told him.

It didn't take him long to find what he was looking for: in the next room, a dead Cerberus soldier was equipped with short-range comms. Perfect. He called out to Shepard.

-What have you got?

-He's got a transmitter in his helmet. If I can…

He didn't finish the sentence. He had just taken the guy's helmet off his body, revealing a puffed up face with glowing eyes and protruding veins.

-My god. He looks like a husk.

-Yeah, Shepard agreed. But not quite. They've definitely done something to him.

-And by "they", you mean Cerberus, right? They did this to their own guy? Is this… Is this what they did to you?

-How could you compare me to him?

Maybe it was time to just… Get it out. Lay it all out for her. She deserved that much, and if he didn't express his doubts and fears at some point, they would never be able to move forward.

-Shepard… Lizzie, I don't know what you are. Or who. Not since Cerberus rebuilt you. For all I know, you could be their puppet, controlled by the Illusive Man himself.

His words hurt her, he could read as much on her face. But there was something else in her eyes, too, something he didn't recognize. Maybe she knew what he was getting at, or perhaps she was relieved he was finally opening up to her.

-K…

-Don't try to explain it, he interrupted her. I don't think I'd understand anyway. I just want to know if the person I followed to hell and back, the person that I _loved_ … Are you still in there somewhere?

Her voice was softer when she answered, moving closer to him:

-They didn't change me, Kaidan. Or how I feel about you. But words won't convince you, will they?

-Probably not, he admitted.

-I didn't think so, she smirked. You were always so damn stubborn.

He chuckled, surprised at how the atmosphere between them seemed so light, considering their situation and the conversation they were having.

-Me? Look who's talking.

She laughed and shook her head.

-Alright, we'll get back to that. For now, let's see what Cerberus is up to. Maybe we'll both get some answers.

-I'd like that.

Shepard glanced at him, then grabbed the transmitter:

-Hello, this is Delta team. We're at the tram station, waiting for extraction. All hostiles terminated.

-Roger that. Echo team will ride over and secure the station.

Shepard ended the transmission and beamed.

-Easy as an Asari in Purgatory.

-That's disgusting, Shepard.

But he was smiling, and for a second, it felt exactly like old times. Too damn natural. It was so easy to just fall back to their old patterns he could almost forget everything was different now.

Almost.

* * *

They had to fight every step of the way, but they finally made it to the archives. When Shepard wanted something, she usually got it.

-It looks just like…

His voice caught in his throat. There was a huge prothean beacon in the room, and it sent shivers down his spine. It brought back many memories, both painful and happy. It had been happier times back then, before everything started, when they had no idea they would one day stand here while their home was ripped to shreds by ancient machines. Back then, Ashley was still alive. Shepard had not been killed and revived. They had no idea the Reapers were coming their way.

-Like the beacon we found on Eden Prime, Shepard whispered.

Judging from the tone of her voice, she was thinking the same things he was. Kaidan had to fight the impulse to grasp for her hand and hold it in his. He simply let Shepard follow Liara to the console, and got to patrolling the room. But when Liara got to the terminal, a hologram appeared before them.

-Shepard.

The commander froze.

-Illusive man, Liara recognized him.

 _No way_. Kaidan couldn't keep his eyes off the man standing there like he was in the same room. He wanted to punch him and break the bastard's nose. _You did this to her, you asshole!_

-What do you want? Shepard snapped angrily.

-What I've always wanted. The data in these artifacts holds the key to solving the Reaper threat.

-I've seen your solution. Your people are turned into monsters.

-Hardly, the Illusive Man scoffed. They're being improved. That's what separates us, Shepard. Where you see a means to destroy, I see a way to control, to dominate and harness the Reapers' power. Imagine how strong humanity would be if we controlled them!

-You've gone too far! The Reapers will kill us all if we don't stop fighting each other!

-I don't expect you to understand, Shepard. And I'm certainly not looking for your approval. You were a tool, an agent with a singular purpose. And despite our differences, you were relatively successful. But like the rest of the relics in this place, your time is over.

Shepard glanced at Liara and signaled her, nodding toward the terminal.

-Don't interfere with my plans, Shepard. I won't warn you again, the Illusive Man threatened her.

-Duly noted.

-Shepard! Liara called, bent over the console. The data… It's not here.

Behind Shepard, the hologram disappeared, but she didn't even notice, too focused on Liara's terrible words:

-It's being erased.

-Dammit! How is he doing it?

-It's local. Someone's uploading the information.

Their voices sounded distant, as Kaidan focused on the shadows in the back of the room. He could have sworn movement had caught his eye. His rifle pointing forward, he walked in that direction. And then he saw her, hidden in some alcove, hands moving swiftly over the console. Dr. Core.

-Hey! Step away from the console! Now!

He had not expected what followed. Moving faster than he would have thought possible, the woman kicked him right in the chest with enough force to send him to the ground. He landed heavily on his back and, by the time he rolled over to get back on his feet, Dr. Core had darted away.

-She's got the data! He shouted.

Shepard was already running after Dr. Core, Liara right on her heels. Kaidan set off after them, and they all raced outside, suddenly emerging on the roof in the middle of the storm. Still running, Shepard tried vainly to contact James and the Normandy. All she got was static, even as a Cerberus shuttle got closer to the roof, ready to pick up Dr. Core.

-She's getting away! Liara yelled.

As Dr. Core jumped into the shuttle, Shepard cursed loudly. They all stood right there, out of breath and powerless.

Then the roar of another shuttle covered the sound of the storm. Kaidan's eyes went wide when he recognized their own shuttle and realized what Vega was doing.

-DUCK! He screamed.

The shuttles collided over their heads, sending debris and sparks flying. They barely had time to dive out of the way before the Cerberus shuttle crashed right where they stood a second earlier.

-Shit, Vega, that was close, he heard Shepard say aloud.

She was getting up a few meters away from the burning shuttle, and she turned toward him, ready to help him on his feet. Was that actual worry in her eyes, or was he imagining it? He shook his head and pulled himself up before helping Liara get up while Shepard was gesturing to Vega to come down.

-We need the data! Liara reminded them, limping alongside Kaidan.

He was about to agree when the door of the crashed shuttle flew off behind them. Still holding Liara up, Kaidan turned toward the fire. A silhouette stood right in the middle of the flames, and it didn't look like the woman who had got on the shuttle. It looked like a synthetic, all metal, no flesh nor bones.

Then everything happened quickly.

Kaidan pushed Liara behind him and pulled out his pistol, firing at Dr. Core. The bullets bounced and ricocheted off her metallic body, and, before he could do anything, she was on him, grabbing him, gripping his helmet and pulling him off the ground. His feet dangled in the air as he tried to clutch her hands to release her hold on him. Now he understood the surprising force she had kicked him with. There was no way he could get out of this mess on his own. She was as strong as a synthetic could be.

-Kaidan!

His brain barely registered Shepard's alarmed scream. He was still trying to kick Dr. Core off of him, with no success whatsoever.

-Orders? Asked the robot in her coms.

He didn't hear the answer, obviously. He didn't even have time to process what was happening, actually. One second, she, or it, was talking to whomever was on the other side of the line, and the following instant, she spun fast, still holding him, and slammed him against the shuttle with all her freaking robotic force.

The air whooshed out of his lungs. Somewhere in his chest, something cracked. Then he hit the metal again, and the plate of his helmet met his face violently. Blood filled his mouth. The back of his head smashed against the shuttle. He thought he had known pain, but all the wounds, all the scars… they had nothing on this. All the migraines in the whole universe couldn't compare. He couldn't find his breath again, he felt like something had given way somewhere in his abdomen, and like his skull was about to explode.

Then he hit the shuttle once more. And everything went black.

* * *

 **[A/N:** You have no idea how much I wanted to be done with this chapter. It's basically just playthrough from the game and it was kinda boring to write. But it was also crazy important (duh!) so here it is.

Also, I've got three more chapters to this story, but I'll be traveling for the next weeks. I _will_ try to update because it's pretty much written anyway (yay!), but I have no idea when I'll be able to. So thanks for sticking with me so far, because I'm always so glad to see your nice reviews and interest in my stories, and don't worry if it takes a little bit longer than usual! **]**


	7. Chapter 7

The smell. That's the first thing he noticed. It didn't smell like smoke and burning metal anymore, but rather like antiseptic and bleach.

It smelled like a hospital.

He knew that smell, because no Marine never sets foot in a hospital in the course of its career. It was oddly familiar, not really disagreeable, because it was also proof he was somehow alive. So it was comforting, in a way.

Until he felt the pain.

It was everywhere in his body, ache and soreness all over. Ribs, neck, head, abdomen, face. He tried to breathe, and his ribcage protested loudly. He heard a low groan and wondered who was here with him before realizing it had escaped his own lips.

-Alright, take it easy.

Oh, so he _wasn't_ alone in the room after all. He opened his eyes slowly, cautiously, almost expecting his eyelids to refuse to obey. But they did comply, and he finally set his eyes on the room he was in. It was definitely a hospital, all white and sterilized. There were also large windows on his left, overlooking what certainly looked like the Citadel – Huerta Memorial, then.

-Welcome back, Major.

A woman was standing on his right. She was smiling and dressed in white, and he guessed she was either a nurse or a doctor.

-How are you feeling?

-Terrible, actually.

She chuckled and nodded. His throat was sore, and talking felt like he had just swallowed sandpaper. Or, well, he guessed swallowing sandpaper would feel that bad – not that he really wanted to try.

-How am I doing? He asked, ignoring how badly speaking hurt.

-You gave us quite a scare, the woman answered, checking his monitors and I.V. It was a bit touch and go for a while, but you pulled through. Want something for the pain?

He simply nodded, and she pushed something in his I.V. It started working almost instantly, and he felt the tension in his shoulders recede a little. His head and eyelids suddenly felt really heavy, his mind clouded.

-That should help… and knock you out for a while. You need rest, Major.

-My crew? He managed to articulate.

-They brought you in a few days ago. They tried to patch you up on the ship, but you needed surgery, which you got here. Saved your life. Oh, and Commander Shepard came by while you were out.

-Still around?

She shook her head:

-No, I don't think so. I heard they left a couple of days ago.

The end of her sentence got lost in the haze of the pain meds. He tried slurring something else, desperately wanting to know more, to ask about the Council, the war, the Reapers, Lizzie, but his tongue felt as heavy as lead. Then everything faded to black – again.

* * *

He didn't wake up for several hours, and opened his eyes still feeling sore but better rested. That was progress.

He was alone for what seemed like a long time before the same woman as before came back to check on him.

-You're awake, she noticed happily.

-Have been for a while.

-Good. How's the pain?

-Better, I think. Won't be dancing anytime soon, though.

The woman laughed. She had a nice smile, but it wasn't Lizzie's; it lacked the dimples.

-Alright, can I do anything for you? She asked.

-Actually, yes. Is there any way I can check my emails, send a message?

-Absolutely. I'll be right back.

She exited the room for a few minutes before coming back, datapad in hand, true to her word.

-Here. You can keep it if you like.

-Thanks.

-No problem. I'll see you later, Major. Get some rest, will you?

He nodded absently, already distracted by his emails. Nothing from Shepard, but there was a personal message from Joker.

 **Subject:** **Please don't die**

 **I don't want Shepard to replace you with yet another crazy alien.**

Kaidan rolled his eyes and answered the pilot:

 **Subject: Not dead!**

 **You're welcome.**

But Joker wasn't really the one he wanted to write to; he had someone else in mind. What was he supposed to write, though? "Sorry I was an ass _again_ , but I didn't die, so come see me when you've got a minute to spare"? He settled for something a bit more… neutral. The words felt hollow and empty, though, impersonal; they couldn't convey what he really wanted to tell her. He thought about these few moments on Mars when it was almost like it used to be before he lost her. So easy, so natural, so… Good. And yet he kept messing it all up.

An incoming email interrupted his train of thoughts. His heart skipped a beat: it was Shepard. She was still safe and sound, then, and aboard the Normandy.

 **Subject: Glad you're ok**

 **You scared the shit out of me, Major. Happy to read your message and to know you're up. I'll drop by the next time we're on the Citadel. Don't bother the doctors too much, K.**

Although it still wasn't overfriendly and didn't resemble the kind of messages she could have sent him three years ago, it was something. It was an answer, for one. There was also the promise of her visiting as soon as possible, which was a relief. Apparently, she did not hold a grudge about Mars. And for now, that was enough.

* * *

After that, he got bored, stuck here while there was a war on, a war he should have fought in. Time seemed to pass slowly in his hospital room, although there was agitation on the other side of the walls, with the endless stream of refugees and wounded coming in. He felt jumpy, itching to do something, to help, to save lives. And he felt lonely, too, without any news from his teammates, his students, his family. Still, despite all that, his first visit was a borderline unwanted surprise.

-Major Alenko. I heard you were doing better.

Kaidan stared at the human Councilor in disbelief. He had come in like he owned the place, and now he stood in the middle of the room, ever so full of himself. Kaidan disliked Udina; he had disliked him from the first moment he had met him a few years back, when he was still Shepard's lieutenant. Back then, Udina wasn't a Councilor yet; he was only a conceited, ambitious ambassador.

-Councilor, Kaidan greeted him. I'd stand, but…

-It's fine, Major.

Kaidan hesitated. He had no idea why the Councilor would visit him in the hospital, nor why he'd care about his well-being. Shepard had always been on the front lines of their interaction with him, back when he was still ambassador Udina, and he had never seemed to hold her teammates in high regard, basically contenting himself with ignoring their presence or making them understand they better shut their mouth and let the grown-ups speak.

-So… What brings you here? Kaidan asked cautiously.

-Just checking on one of our most talented officers. I heard a lot about your work in the past couple of years, Major. You've done an excellent job in the Spec Ops program Anderson asked you to take over.

Somehow, the whole thing felt off. No doubt Udina had not come all this way to compliment him. He was astonished the Councilor even knew his latest assignment.

-You seem surprised, Major, Udina noticed. I like to keep tabs on our promising elements. I remember when you were first assigned on the Normandy. You did a fine job stopping Saren.

-Commander Shepard did. I merely followed her orders.

-Yes, yes… Well, she certainly could not have done it alone, and you were there during the Battle of the Citadel. Nice line on your resume.

-As nice as it is reminiscing about our past successes, I'm afraid I still don't really get the reason you're here, Councilor.

Udina's eyes narrowed for a second. Very briefly, he looked like a menacing, nasty bird of prey. Then the moment passed, and his face was perfectly composed again.

-You're right: let's not beat around the bush any longer. I am here for a reason. I have an offer for you, actually.

-I'm listening.

-I'll get to the point: I want you to become our new human Spectre.

Kaidan raised an eyebrow. He had certainly not expected something like this. Him, a Spectre? What the hell? Not that he wasn't confident in his own abilities, but there had only been one human Spectre until now: Shepard. He knew he was good, but he wasn't her.

-Surely there must be more qualified soldiers out there.

-Perhaps. But none of them has your impressive resume, your career, your abilities as a biotic… Nor your loyalty to the Alliance. You're trustworthy, Major, and therefore you are the most logical choice. That, and I feel like it's the right time.

-In the middle of a war?

-Precisely. People need hope. They need to feel like they're in capable hands. If that makes you feel better, we won't throw a big celebration party. Well, not _too_ big.

-How thoughtful, he cringed.

-Consider my offer carefully, Alenko, Udina continued, purposely ignoring his retort. It's one in a lifetime, so think about it. I'll be around.

-Alright, I will. Think about it, I mean.

-Good, good. Until next time, then.

-Right.

Udina spared a last glance at him, then turned around and exited the room, still walking like the place freaking belonged to him. Kaidan let his head fall back on the pillow. It was crazy, and he desperately wanted to talk to someone about it. Since he had no news of his parents, he couldn't write or call them. Sitting up again, he reached for the datapad the doctor let him use every time he wanted to communicate with the outside world. There was only one person he could talk to about this, really.

 **Subject: Ready for visitors**

 **Hey. I'm still not ready to be released, but I'd really like to see you if you can spare the time. I got some news, too: Councilor Udina offered to make me a Spectre. Thinking about whether or not I should accept, and I'd like your advice.**

He didn't get an answer right away this time. It left him time to reflect on Udina's offer. On the one hand, becoming a Spectre would be a huge honor, and quite the step in his career; on the other, it was quite the responsibility, and Udina's reasons for offering him the job felt… Weird. What if he wasn't up to the task? Since he had nothing else to do, he thought about it over and over for hours, until he received two new emails. The first one he took for spam, only to find out it was a video Joker had sent him, featuring some very naked Asari with also very naked Krogan. Definitely scarred for life, he deleted the message as fast as possible and opened the second one, which was from Shepard :

 **Subject: On my way**

 **We'll be back in a couple of days. We'll talk then. Hang tight!**

He felt kind of disappointed she only sent that much, but he was glad for the reply nonetheless. Now he just had to wait around some more… And it wasn't gonna be easy.

* * *

The day Shepard was supposed to be back on the Citadel, Councilor Udina visited him again. Kaidan had hoped to see her beforehand and was quite nervous. He was not ready to give Udina an answer yet.

-So, have you put any thought into my question? The dreaded inquiry came.

-I've been trying, sir, Kaidan mumbled.

The door opened right then, and he recognized Shepard's silhouette, both grateful for the interruption and relieved at seeing her. She was out of her armor, wearing her Alliance uniform like she had never left the army. Udina glowered at her, obviously displeased.

-I'd like an answer, Major, he growled. The galaxy has need of exceptional soldiers like you. Now, more than ever.

He felt like it might have been directed at Shepard, but she didn't pick up the hint, or didn't care to.

-You'll have it soon, Councilor, he assured him. I promise.

-I'll look forward to it.

Udina and Shepard exchanged cold salutations and shot each other a glare, before the Councilor exited the room, fuming internally but offering his collected and polite face. Shepard snickered and sat in the chair next to his bed, the one Udina had ignored both times he'd come to visit.

-Hey, she smiled.

-Hi. You just missed snack time, but that's probably a good thing. Thanks for coming.

-Of course. So, still thinking about the offer?

-Yeah. It's a big honor, a huge responsibility. I mean, you know. I just need to be sure.

Shepard nodded.

-So, how are you feeling? she asked.

-Like I just had my ass handed to me. My implant got a little… rattled, but I'll live. My ego's a bit bruised, though.

-So is your face, actually.

-Yeah, well, I was kind of trying to go for a Garrus look.

Shepard laughed:

-He told you his theory about women liking scars?

-No, Joker told me about Omega. I'm afraid we didn't really stay in touch after…

He couldn't end his sentence, but he didn't need to: she understood. Her smile faltered and her jaw clenched.

-We picked him up on Palaven, you know.

-Really? I'm glad. He's got a weird sense of humor, but he's a stand-up guy. And he always had your back.

-So did you, Kaidan. You know I've missed you by my side.

-Before I screwed things up, you mean.

She looked at him weirdly and shook her head:

-I don't really want to talk about it.

-We should, though. Look, I know I was… A dick. I said awful things to you, Lizzie. But I believed you were dead for two years. I mourned you, and it was freaking hard. Hardest thing I ever did, actually. Then there you were, right in front of me, alive. What was I supposed to think?

-I never wanted this, she said, almost whispering.

-I know.

-No, you don't.

She had raised her voice and sounded both mad and sad at the same time. There was pain and anger in her eyes, although he didn't feel like it was directed at him.

-I just wanted to _rest_ , alright? I didn't want to be pulled right back into this mess. I was _dead_ , and I had a right to finally… rest. So I did not ask for any of this shit.

-I'm sorry. Not just for the things I said and did, but also for everything you've been through. You're right; you didn't deserve any of this. I can't even begin to imagine what it must have been like, waking up like this, living with these two years of life they've taken away from you.

-It's not just about the missing part of my life. It's my death they've taken away, you know. I can deal with the gap in my life; it's the "undead" part that's hardest. Because I remember what it was like – dying.

-Shit, Lizzie, that's messed up.

-Yeah. Had nightmares for months.

He felt his heart break a little bit. He could imagine her jerking up awake in the middle of the night, all alone in that huge bed of hers. How lonely she must have been.

-I wish I'd been there.

-I should have reached out. It wasn't fair to you, and it wasn't right either. I was scared you'd moved on.

He reached for her hand impulsively, and grimaced in pain when his ribs protested against the movement.

-Honestly, I tried, but I couldn't, he confessed. It felt like a part of me was missing, like I had lost a limb.

-Guess we're both messed up, then, she smiled.

-You sure have a talent for finding screwed up people. Hell, you're a magnet for craziness.

-Oh, come on! I'm sure we can find someone who's perfectly normal on my crew. Like… I don't know, Garrus? Garrus is fine.

-Garrus is a crazy bastard. I like him, but still. You do know he sleeps with that visor, right?

-No way.

-Oh yeah.

She smiled that beautiful smile of hers, the one with small dimples, the one she kept for her friends and loved ones, the one that was all Lizzie's, not Commander Shepard's.

-Anyway… I just wanted to tell you… Well, I'm still not sure I've been wrong about Cerberus, especially after what we've seen on Mars, but I've been wrong about you. So, you and me… We're good?

-We're good, K., she reassured him, squeezing his hand lightly between hers.

-Great. And me being a Spectre… What do you think?

-Go for it. Udina's an ass, but he's right about something: you're a great soldier. It should be you.

They stayed like that for a while before she had to leave: her, holding his hand like there weren't those two unspeakable years standing between them; him, looking at her like he was seeing her for the first time. Oh, sure, it wasn't much. But maybe it was just what they needed to finally start getting over it, to finally start healing. And as he kept thinking back on Horizon and Mars, he pondered on how things were never as fully black and white as he had thought. Maybe he should start to consider life as being this grey, cloudy lapse of time when things just don't always go the way you want them to.

Only he had no idea what to do with grey.

Grey was terrifying.

* * *

 **[A/N:** I'm currently staying on an island in Asia, but here is chapter 7! I had looked forward to this chapter, but then I actually had trouble writing it, so I hope it turned out ok. I didn't use much of the game's dialogues between Kaidan and Shepard this time, because I never really liked them, and I felt they could do better than that awkward, cringy flirting right after Mars, especially considering what's still ahead for them. I really like your feedback, so tell me what you think! **]**


	8. Chapter 8

It took a little bit of time, but he got back on his feet. Still, he could not complain, seeing as his recovery was quite fast, considering the injuries he had sustained. But he needed badly to get out of this room, of this damn hospital, and back to the fight. As soon as he was able to stand, he started pacing around the room, making both his doctor and the nurses crazy. They told him he could use his biotics again and he started training again, ignoring the "don't push it" part of the permission. And when he was so bored he could have smashed his head again the wall, he wrote to Joker. Emails passed back and forth between them, keeping him informed of Shepard's progress, failures and successes. She was everywhere but here with him, and he hated it. He wrote to her once, too, to inform her he was feeling better, but she never answered. He gathered from her pilot that it wasn't a really good time, and, despite feeling a little disappointed, he did not insist. He knew her too well. You didn't push Shepard; you let her meet you halfway whenever she was ready.

He was right: she came to the Citadel a few days later, and she visited him first thing. She looked tired, exhausted really, the war clearly taking its toll on her. She had dark bags under her eyes and a new wrinkle between the eyebrows, but she smiled as soon as she entered the room and chatted pleasantly with him. It felt like they were on their way to being friends again, and he liked that. It was definitely a start.

Then he dropped the big news.

-Udina came by again. Maybe you already saw the vid, but I did accept his offer.

-Yeah, I heard. Congratulations!

Dimples again. His heart skipped a heart every time they showed. She really beamed; she looked proud and truly happy for him.

-Spectre Kaidan Alenko, she mused. Like the sound of that? That's a big deal.

-Only the second human Spectre, though, he reminded her. It's… humbling. Udina wants to have a big ceremony, even with the war. I don't really like the idea and I had kinda gathered it was gonna be done quietly, but he says a celebration will give folks something hopeful to latch on to.

-Udina, she sighed, rolling her eyes. So, you ready to take on that responsibility?

-Well, you did set the bar pretty high, but I'll do my best, he retorted with a wide grin.

-Trust me, you're perfect for the job. I knew right at the beginning there was something special about you.

His grin slipped down his face as he looked away, slightly embarrassed and feeling a blush creep up his cheeks. He cleared his throat.

-That means a lot.

-I kinda… I wondered if maybe… You'd join the Normandy?

Kaidan hesitated before replying. He had hoped she would ask, but he had also taken some time to think about it, in case the opportunity was ever to be offered. And boy, did he have time on his hands while he was rotting away in this damn hospital room… He wanted to go back to the Normandy with her; they had made a good team before and he was fairly certain they could be one again, despite Horizon and Mars. But he had some things he needed to figure out first, including… her. Them.

-I have thought about that. But I need to take care of some things first. I'm trying to locate my old squad, my students from Biotics Division, for one.

-Any luck? She asked.

-None so far, he sighed. Probably went underground, but they'll turn up. At least I hope they do. I mean, if they were easy to find, they wouldn't be doing their jobs correctly.

-Uh. Well, I hope they do turn up. Seems like everyone is looking for someone lately. It's a real mess out there.

-I bet. I'm glad I'm gonna be able to serve again soon. I want to help any way I can.

-You'll do that and more as a Spectre, she smiled slightly.

-What about you? What are your plans?

-Still trying to get everyone to work together, but it's not easy. Old grievances keep resurfacing. They're killing me.

-I gathered. You look terrible.

-Gee, thanks, K., that's exactly what a woman likes to hear.

He chuckled while she shook her head, rolling her eyes.

-I should probably let you get back to it, then, he said. Not that I don't like having you around, but… Someone's got to hold the galaxy together.

-Sometimes I wish it wasn't me, she admitted.

-No one could do it better, or ever that well, Shepard. We're all looking up to you.

-No pressure, then. Alright, you're not wrong…

-Happens occasionally.

-… I _should_ get back to that mess, she finished, pretending to ignore him but holding back an amused smile. I was glad to see you on your feet.

-Thanks for coming, Lizzie.

-My pleasure. See you soon, I hope?

He nodded and smiled. She smiled back at him before leaving the room with a last wave. As soon as she passed the threshold, she went back into Commander Shepard mode, frowning, already thinking about the immense task awaiting her, and he watched her until she disappeared in the corridor. It suddenly felt cold and empty without her, despite the agitation of the busy, full hospital.

Yes, getting back to work would definitely keep his mind off of things.

* * *

And so he did. The ceremony came and went, and he watched people sip champagne like there was no war raging on outside. Though he was the one the ceremony was held for, he did not feel at ease there. He regretted refusing Shepard's offer: he still had no information about his students, couldn't find anything about his family either, and he was stuck on the Citadel while the people he had closest to friends were roaming the galaxy on a ship he wasn't on. He hated every minute of it all, despite knowing perfectly well what his new obligations were. He could not have forgotten it anyway, with Udina reminding him almost every day.

That man was a pain in his ass.

Thus, days passed. They were busy days, sure, but still paradoxically boring. He missed being a soldier; he missed the action, the gunfire, the smell of smoke and oil, the fighting, the feeling of actually doing something, of belonging to something bigger than him. Right now he only felt buried in paperwork – and like he was reduced to being Udina's new toy. He barely got news from Shepard and her team, often learning about their actions by watching TV or hearing about it; he learned almost nothing firsthand, but didn't mind. He knew and understood how it was. He just wished he was with them.

The action found him again though. He did not look for trouble, did not ask for it, but still found himself up to his neck in the mess. Maybe Shepard had rubbed off on him. This time, trouble came in the form of a series of explosions and the gunfire he had stupidly missed so much. People turned toward the sound, horrified expressions on their face, screams already starting to echo around the Presidium. Usually, it was easy to forget about the war here, as people just went about their day, shopping, eating and chatting like Reapers weren't doing their damnedest to burn their civilization to the ground. It was a different story now: people started running away, yelling, crying. Kaidan froze at first, trying to pinpoint the origin of the noise, harshly reminded of the day Earth had been attacked. There weren't any giant metallic aliens anywhere to be seen, though; so it could not have been the Reapers, which meant he had no idea who was behind the attack. But he needed to help, so he ran towards the closest C-Sec outpost, barging in to find three C-Sec officers yelling around in comms and obviously panicking.

-What the hell is happening? He barked.

-We don't know! One of the officers answered. We're under attack, that's all we know. Could be the Reapers.

-No way. Did you raise headquarters?

-Tried to, the man sniffled. But we're cut off from HQ.

-Commander Bailey, then?

The man shook his head:

-Negative. Comms are down, Sir. What do we do?

Kaidan blinked. Oh, right. He was a Spectre now, so of course they were turning to him. _Think, think, think_.

-Alright, one thing is certain: it's definitely not the Reapers.

-How do you know? Another officer asked.

-Do you see any huge, metallic alien in the sky? No? That's your cue.

Another series of explosions made the floor vibrate under their feet. The gunfire sounded closer, too.

-Simultaneous attacks happening in different places…, he mumbled, more to himself than the others. HQ is likely to have been hit first thing…

-I don't think many organizations could have pulled off something like that, one of the officers almost whined – _whined_! C-Sec wasn't what it used to be.

"Organizations": the word hit him so hard he physically flinched.

-Oh, it better not be…

-What?

-Nothing, just thinking. Ok, you need to find Commander Bailey and I need to get the Council out of here.

His mind still reeling, he grabbed extra ammo; then, as ready as he could be, he took off, hands clenched on his gun.

In the few short minutes he had been in the C-Sec outpost, the Presidium had become almost unrecognizable. The people had disappeared; smoke was rising toward the sky. He moved fast but carefully, bouncing from cover to cover, staying close to the walls and avoiding open space. That damn Presidium was a shooting range and he was a freaking sitting duck down there. Still, he almost made it to the nearest elevator without running into trouble; but as he turned the last corner, a bullet whistled by his ear, missing his head by an inch. Spinning around toward the shooter and ducking to cover, he fired aimlessly twice. Then he saw them: three soldiers in white armor, with the recognizable patches of black and yellow. Aiming his biotics right at them, he cursed under his breath. He had guessed it right, then: it _was_ Cerberus. What the hell were they doing here? Why on Earth were they attacking the Citadel? Did Shepard know about this – shit, why the fuck was he wondering about that particular question? He trusted her now, right? He had seen her confront the Illusive Man on Mars; he had seen her kill Cerberus soldiers; he knew she wasn't with them anymore – except if this was all a front, an act. But it wasn't. No way it was, he _knew_ her. Shepard was on the other side of the galaxy for all he knew, while Cerberus was obviously here, attacking the Citadel when she clearly wasn't. He didn't even know why he was still doubting her. Scars were harder to heal than he had thought, obviously.

Once he had taken down the enemy, he jumped in the elevator, which was thankfully still working. After that, he ran to the Council tower, gunning down any Cerberus soldier he met. They were everywhere and nothing made sense anymore.

-Alenko! Someone called.

-Councilor Udina! I'm glad you're here, I was afraid I wouldn't find you. We've got to get you the hell out of here.

-Wait! A voice exclaimed.

Kaidan turned toward the Asari councilor. There was one missing: the Salarian.

-What's happening? She asked.

-Cerberus is attacking the station. We need to grab a shuttle and leave. Now!

-Cerberus? But…

- _Now_! He repeated. Where's Councilor Valern?

-He had a meeting. I don't know…

Fuck. Could this day get _any_ worse?

-I'll come back for him. Let's get you to safety first. Follow me and stay close, alright?

The three councilors nodded. The Asari and the Turian looked dazed and a little scared, while Udina's jaw was clenched and his eyes were hard as steel. But all three complied and moved when he gave them the signal. He had a clear goal: get to the elevator that would take them to the nearest shuttle bay. He would worry about Valern – and Cerberus – later.

-There! Udina cried out. The elevator!

-Get in! Kaidan shouted.

He did not have to tell them twice: they hurried to the elevator and he followed them, pressing the button hastily. Then he finally took a second to exhale, looking at the three confused Councilors, all panting – and lucky to be still alive.

-They must have had help.

Udina's voice broke that instant of silence and respite.

-Who? Kaidan asked, already guessing the answer.

-Cerberus. They could not have made it without inside help. From someone who knew the Citadel. Someone powerful, too.

Kaidan didn't answer. He had thought about that already and fully agreed. He just didn't want to think about that traitor in their midst, whoever it was; but Udina seemed to want to press the issue:

-Any idea who it might be, Spectre Alenko?

Great, he'd gone with "Spectre". Thankfully – or not –, Kaidan did not have to say anything: he was cut off by the sound of gunfire echoing in the elevator's shaft, followed a few moments after by the loud thumps of heavy things hitting the roof of their elevator car.

-Shit, he cursed aloud.

-What's that noise? The Asari asked.

-Gunmen, Kaidan guessed. Get down!

He fired at the roof, piercing the metal with a few bullets. The noise over their head seemed to stop.

-Come on, come on… He whispered, eyeing the numbers going up. Almost there…

Then the elevator stopped and the doors opened.

-Go! He yelled, covering their exit by keeping his gun pointed at the ceiling.

He waited until all three Councilors were off the elevator before leaving as well. They ran down the hallway towards the shuttle bay, Kaidan following after them while keeping his gun aimed at the elevator, expecting said gunmen to appear any second now. When the Councilors made it safely through the door, he spun around and ran after them. A couple meters and they'd be safe and sound in that shuttle…

He barged outside and stopped. The shuttle was here alright, but it was also burning. Their damn lifeline was on fire. It seemed like a good metaphor for his life lately.

-Cerberus took out the shuttle! He realized.

The Councilors were standing there, waiting for his instructions. He had no choice:

-Everyone back to the elevator. Move!

But when they turned back towards the elevator, they weren't alone anymore. His eyes grew wide when he recognized the team standing between them and their escape. One Turian and two Humans: Garrus, Vega… And Shepard.

-Shepard? What's going on? He asked, pointing his gun down a bit, hesitant.

-Shepard's blocking our escape, Udina growled. She's with Cerberus!

He did not want to believe it, but she did have her gun pointed at Udina. Kaidan narrowed his eyes, looked at her, then moved so that he was in her line of fire, effectively covering the Councilor.

-Alright, hang on. I got this, he assured Udina. Everyone _calm down_.

Shepard's eyes were still focused on Udina, but she turned them to him when he spoke, and lowered her gun a little. Good; it was a start. Surely they could work things out: it was Shepard, after all. There must be an explanation.

-I can explain this, Kaidan, Shepard said, as if she could hear his thoughts.

-You better! You've got your gun drawn on a Councilor. Kinda looks bad.

Nodding, Shepard pointed her gun to the ground, signaling her team to do the same. Kaidan inhaled deeply, feeling like he could breathe again.

-We don't have time to negotiate, K. You've been fooled – all of you. Udina's behind this attack. The Salarian Councilor confirmed it.

 _What the fuck?_ The Councilors looked nervous now, not scared. They glanced at Udina, whose poker face was still perfect. Kaidan's eyes went from him to Shepard. Her lips were pursed and she was frowning, but she looked him right in the eyes, silently urging him to trust her. He didn't know what to believe anymore; it felt like Horizon all over again.

-Please! You have no proof. You never do, Udina mocked her.

He hated the man; still, could the _Councilor_ have betrayed them all?

-There are Cerberus soldiers in the elevator shaft behind us! If you open that door, they'll kill you all!

There was a moment a silence, only broken by the Asari:

-We've mistrusted Shepard before, and it did not help us.

When she said it, Kaidan didn't think about the times the Council had indeed been wary of her; he thought about the times _he_ had.

-We don't have time to debate this, Udina snapped. We're dead if we stay out here. I'm overriding the lock.

Udina walked to a console and his hands started moving frantically on the keypad. Kaidan had only a few seconds to decide, when he needed hours. Shepard was still watching him, obviously waiting for him to make a decision. She didn't say a word, clearly thinking he had to make it by himself. But Garrus did, and the words he said Kaidan would never forget:

-Look, Alenko, I know you've always acted by the book, and I respected that. But today, your moral compass needs work.

Kaidan gripped his gun tighter. Here he was: once again, he had to choose. He thought about Horizon again, about opening his eyes to the strange sound of her impossibly alive voice, about waking up to her unbelievable presence there. He should have crushed his lips against hers then; he should have followed her blindly towards any suicide mission she wanted, because he loved her. Instead, he had not only let her go, he had turned his back on her, said she was a traitor – her, the most loyal person he had ever met – and he had lost a little bit more of the time they did _not_ have, wasted a little bit more of the time they could not afford to throw away. He had thought a message sent through space could somehow fix that, which had been extremely stupid of him. Then he had heard about her being grounded on Earth and he hadn't reached out, hadn't even tried to visit her, although he had been in the same city for a few days. He had been too scared, not to see her, but to allow himself to feel something again. He had been broken once and feared too much being broken again. He could not bear the idea of her not loving him anymore, although he deserved it. And after having been heartbroken once already, he was afraid of anything that might lead to such a pain. Even when they had reached Mars, he had snapped again and it had taken him almost dying to finally realize that Joker had been right all along: he _had_ been an ass. "Friends don't let friends be assholes", right? Well, he had no idea what awaited them, but something was clear and sure now: once again, he had to choose.

This time, he chose _her_.

* * *

[A/N: I wanted to update earlier but I couldn't :( But yay, you just read chapter 8. Stick around, I still have an epilogue coming your way! I really like it and I hope you will, too.]


	9. Epilogue

**[A/N:** There, this is the epilogue, and this story is finally all wrapped up! I really enjoyed writing it, especially this kind of bittersweet epilogue, and I hope you enjoyed and liked it. If you want some more of Elizabeth and Kaidan, you can read my one-shot _Home_. **]**

* * *

The list saves his life.

He feels like he has been through this already and thinks they have suffered enough already. Don't they finally deserve their happy ending? They have given everything to this war, to the galaxy, to the dead, to strangers and unborn children they won't ever meet but who will be born thanks to them. Now all he really wants is to lie down on a beach somewhere, far away from what remains of the Alliance, from the stars humanity once wanted to reach so much, from the new Council, from the upcoming reconstruction, from the corpses of the Reapers drifting away in space. He wants that with her. They'll sip cocktails, their toes buried in the warm sand, listening to the water. They will leave saving the world and putting the galaxy back on its feet to someone else, because their job is _done_. Hell, he will even suggest definitive retirement and building a house right there on that beach, so that they will wake up to the golden light of the sun rising over the ocean and fall asleep to the sound of the waves. He dreams of tiny feet running in that sand, little Alenkos growing up somewhere that isn't a ship.

But he won't ever get that.

All he can do now is clinging to his memories. Every day, he lists the little things he remembers about her. He knows, for he has lived it all once before, that he can survive this, broken as he is. He will do it for her. Hell, he will cry himself to sleep every night if he has to, but he _will_ survive this, he will help repair the whole damn galaxy, throwing himself into work once again just to get through the endless days of life without her. Yes: just like last time, he relies on work. There is much to be done, with the Reapers destroyed and the galaxy trying to limp back to some semblance of normalcy. Work is good; like the list, it keeps his mind busy. He barely leaves his body time to rest, hoping to chase the nightmares away by sleeping as little as possible. At night, he's so exhausted he often falls into a deep, untroubled slumber. So work is fine, work helps, work soothes the pain. And when it will finally be over, when every species will have gone back to their world, when every relay will be repaired, when the galaxy will look like something close to its former self, he will end his life as a Spectre. Forget the beach; he only wanted that with her. Hopefully, he'll die on duty. It would be a nice death, a nice end to it all, one worthy of hers, one he would welcome with open arms. Then, at long last, he would be with her again.

He likes his list. The nail polish. Her soap's incongruous smell of fruits. The golden glitters in her eyes. The almost invisible freckles on her nose. The highlights in her hair. The way her laugh sounded. Her _terrible_ driving (he's still nauseous when thinking about it). The list goes on and on. The list is simple, reliable and effective. The list keeps him sane, which is not as easy as it sounds. When it gets too bad, he just lists and lists and lists again. Details and moments, everything just to get through the day and help him drift into sleep. Her favorite color. Her favorite book. How she couldn't dance to save her life. How she never could hold her liquor. Her smile.

* * *

He's back on the Citadel, and he doesn't even know how long it's been. Probably months, possibly even years. So many things have changed, and yet so much is exactly like the first time. He is a mess again, and still not the only one: at least there's Joker. The Normandy's pilot has gone back to the heavy drinking he was used to while carrying the guilt of Shepard's death on the SR-1, except this time the alcohol is helping him getting over EDI, not the Commander. Every once in a while, Kaidan joins him in the only bar left on the Citadel, and they empty the bottle together, wishing "they" were here. The first time he joined him, he was still searching for her, still hoping she was somewhere out there. Because he _had_ hoped, for a long while. After the Normandy's crash on a remote, unknown planet, he had really, really hoped she was still alive and waiting for him. They were stranded for days, without any communication with the others, without any idea about what had happened. And he was simply clinging to that fact: she _was_ waiting for him, and he was determined to come back to her. Their team worked like hell, and the ship was finally able to leave and set for the Citadel. Except there was no Citadel to come back to, not really. And as they neared the station, everyone realized no one could have survived that, not even freaking Commander Shepard. Kaidan refused to let it go, though – refused to let _her_ go. He had done so once already, and how well had that worked out? So yes, he searched for her day and night, lifted piles of rubble with his biotics, found bodies that weren't hers, kept hoping and hoping and…

At some point, it had just become obvious she wasn't coming back. Still, he persisted. He sent messages everywhere, read endless lists of names, contacted both hospitals and morgues. She wasn't anywhere out there, but as long as she wasn't effectively dead, she might still be alive – or that was the idea, anyway. And then he met Joker in that bar the workers had quickly rebuilt, needing someplace to forget about the terrible days they had up there.

-Remember what I told you after Horizon? Joker asked.

-That I was an ass?

The pilot threw him an unusual, gloomy look. It was the look he had since EDI's… well, death, if that was even the word for it. "End"? He would have to settle for "death". Anyway, that look was terrible. It was sad, dark, depressed. It had absolutely nothing in common with Joker's old glances, the ones he had when he was still a funny and smug son of a bitch, when he was still Joker.

-"Hope's a bitch", Moreau quoted himself.

-Hope is all I have right now. I need to keep looking for her.

-Why? It's been too long, man. You know she's gone.

At first, Kaidan did not answer. Deep down, he had to admit that rationality was screaming Joker was right. But then again, he had believed that once already, and been dead wrong. He still had too many regrets over that mistake to allow himself to accept she was gone – again.

-I need…

The words would not come out. They were too hard to say.

-You need a corpse to bury.

Shock passed through Kaidan's eyes. He was about to tell something like that, yes, but the way Joker had blurted it was rough, so blunt it pierced his heart.

-Yes, he murmured.

Joker sniffled:

-Doesn't change a damn thing. I mean, I should know, right?

-I can't…

-Don't be so stubborn, Alenko! Every fucking rock has been turned. Shepard isn't here.

Kaidan pursed his lips, angry. Joker closed his eyes for a second and sighed. When he opened his eyes again, there was such pain and grief in them it nearly overwhelmed Kaidan. It looked so much like what he was feeling on an everyday basis.

-It never gets easier, does it?

-No, Kaidan grumbled.

-And better? Does it get better?

-Neither.

Hesitant, Kaidan inhaled deeply:

-But we do, somehow. We're the ones who get better.

-I don't believe that. "Time heals all wounds", right? Well, that's bullshit.

-It doesn't heal. It… Mends into scars. I guess at some point you just learn to live with it.

-What if I don't want to?

-You don't really realize it's happening, you know. You just get through the day, you put one foot in front of the other, and then, someday, it's… Bearable. The hole is still there, but it's familiar now.

Joker remained silent for a moment.

-I loved her.

-I know, Kaidan said.

-I never even told her.

-I know.

-Was it the same for you, last time? How did you fucking do it?

-Honestly, I have no idea.

He still doesn't.

* * *

But life always wins. He learns that first when he receives an email from Wrex, announcing the birth of his son Mordin. Then he gets confirmation upon reading a message from Garrus, telling him about Jacob's daughter, named Beth. And he realizes that hundreds of newborn children must be named after Shepard everywhere in the galaxy, and that's life winning, too. They're miracle babies, the ones who were never supposed to be born and only got a chance at living thanks to her. Miracle children who owe their very existence to her, to her sacrifice, and he likes this idea.

* * *

He's not as lonely as he was the first time. Joker is around, for one, but he's the ghost of the man he used to be. But with the relays damaged, the Normandy's crew stays on the Citadel quite a while. Then his family scatters once again: Tali flies to Rannoch; Liara pretty much disappears once again; Javik leaves with the Asari; Joker is still getting hammered regularly; Garrus goes to Palaven before joining Tali on Rannoch. The months they are all here matter, though. He finds out he is not the only one clinging desperately to memories.

-Remember that one mission when we chased monkeys? Garrus says once, as they're all gathered in the Normandy's mess, a few weeks after coming back to the Citadel.

Tali snorts and Liara suddenly guffaws, alcohol pouring out of her nose as she does.

-Jeez, Blue, what the hell? Vega cries.

-I'm sorry, she manages to say between chuckles. But you should have…

She laughs again then, and can't even finish her sentence. Vega raises one eyebrow.

-Ok, now I've _got_ to know.

-Oh, it was a simple Alliance assignment, Garrus explains. Downed probe, data module to recover. Easy enough, even with some Geth set on getting their hands on the module first. Anyway, Shepard, Kaidan and your favorite Turian here find the probe, except the module is missing. And we find out…

It's Garrus' turn to interrupt himself as he bursts out laughing.

-We find out some damn space monkeys _stole_ the module, Kaidan explains with a smirk.

-Space _monkeys_? Vega says, dubious.

-Pyjaks. You've seen them on Tuchanka.

-Yeah, I remember. So space monkeys stole your data module?

-I know, right? Tali shrieks. Space monkeys!

Ignoring her, Kaidan continues the story:

-So we set off after them. We find the first group, but no module. Same with the second one.

-That's not the funny part! Garrus shouts. Let me do it, Alenko, you're an awful storyteller.

Kaidan raises both hands with an amused smile and lets Garrus go on:

-We find the first colony alright, but the thing you've got to realize is that we need to _search_ for the module. So here we are, the first human Spectre, an Alliance officer and the resident sniper of the Normandy, basically body-searching the space monkeys.

At this point, Liara howls with laughter:

-We were… We were in the cockpit, listening to their com feeds! And I mean, it was hilarious. Joker couldn't even breathe!

-You see, I just thought we should shoot them all, Garrus explains. It would have been so much easier, right? But no, oh no. Shepard wouldn't have it. She thought they were _cute_!

Kaidan smiles fondly at the memory.

-Of course she thought they were cute! Vega exclaims. We're talking about the woman who bought a damn space hamster for her cabin.

-What happened to the little thing, by the way? Liara asks softly, all trace of laughter suddenly gone.

-I kept it, says Kaidan softly.

Of course he did. Shepard liked her pet way too much for him to abandon it. That, and it survived too many things, including the Normandy's crash, not to deserve a chance. Kaidan likes it more than he would admit it. There's something comforting in the tiny animal, something soothing, like it's a piece of her.

There's a silence. It's a bit sad, almost revered as they all think about her, about the woman they have lost – not the Commander, but the friend, the sister, the companion.

Then life wins again. Suddenly there is Vega quietly chuckling, and it spreads amongst them like wildfire.

-So you're body-searching the space monkeys? Vega repeats, chortling.

-We're body-searching the bloody space monkeys! Garrus confirms, shaking with laughter again.

-That's not all! Liara exclaims with a high-pitched voice that does _not_ resemble her usual one. We suddenly hear Shepard curse, and everything goes quiet in the cockpit. We actually thought something bad had happened. We were after Saren, you know, so… Geth, Sovereign, danger.

-It wasn't always a walk in the park, Kaidan sighs.

Liara slaps him on the forearm and goes back to the story:

-Precisely. So, we go all still and serious, and Joker asks if something's wrong. There's a silence, which gets us worried, obviously. And then Shepard goes… She goes… "I think I just ran over a monkey".

Garrus lets out a deep laugh, so doubled up with laughter he nearly falls off his chair. It takes Tali's hand on his arm to hold him up.

-She had crushed the poor thing right under the Mako! He yells.

And it feels good, telling that story, telling the others, reminiscing about their adventures, about the times when they were still a team, serving under the most formidable woman ever born in that galaxy. When they all start to leave, Kaidan feels empty. But he knows it's life finding its way back, and he's ok with that, so he settles with news here and there, messages and calls, and it's alright. The first time he had lost her, he had thought she was the glue that held them together. Now he knows they're family, they're out there, and they still care, even though they're not at his side anymore.

Letting them go is his own way of caring about them.

* * *

 _Nail polish._

 _Red highlights in her hair._

 _Dimples when she smiles._

 _Awful writing._

 _Bad jokes._

 _Small mole on her left wrist._

* * *

Maybe he just needs to crumble to get back up again. Maybe that's why, after some time, he finds he can breathe again. He has lost count of the days, but he is still here, still working, still alive, and, just like he wanted, he has survived. The world is not ending anymore. The chaos the galaxy was in right after the war is somewhat over, even if there are still heavy damage, unanswered questions, missing soldiers, dead civilians and torn families. And the chaos of his mind has somewhat receded, too. He knows he can't imagine any kind of life without her, and won't ever settle down on that beach somewhere, but he has made peace with that. He knows now that he could never choose who gets left behind, who gets to live, who gets to survive. He does not like it, but it's how things stand. That day, it was Shepard's choice all along; she would have never let someone else take her place. Breathing every day, even though it hurts like hell, is the only way he's got to honor that, to honor that heartbreaking choice she made. She didn't promise him anything, after all; never said she was coming back. Maybe she knew all along she would not. But he likes to believe that, silently, she did promise something else: that life _would_ go on, no matter how deep the loss.

He slowly comes back to life.

It's been a year now, and he's still very much standing. He keeps listing every day, but he's still standing. And as he lists over and over again, he finds some contentment in being able to do so. He had a second chance, some more time before losing her for good, time to collect these tiny moments and small details of life, and bearing that in mind, it seems obvious now that the universe would not give him a _third_ one. That would be greedy. He only has to look at Joker to realize how precious second chances are, how rarely they come along; so it's only natural third ones never do.

Or do they?


End file.
